A (Semi) Practical Defense Against the Latest Rom-Com Study

The latest study on the detriments of watching rom-coms have revealed results that one may find somewhat surprising. Rather than, say, proving that ingesting a steady diet of films in the vein of Pretty Woman will only lead to obscenely false expectations, an examination conducted by the University of Michigan has shown that women who favor the romantic comedy genre tend to ignore otherwise obvious signs of psychotic behavior.

For example, if one watches There’s Something About Mary and sees Ted (Ben Stiller) “romantically” pursuing Mary (Cameron Diaz) by essentially stalking her after hiring an equally unhinged private detective (Matt Dillon) to find her whereabouts after thirteen years, the viewer in question may be led to believe that this overtly insane gesture isn’t psychotic at all–merely heroically persistent, a sign that a man truly cares.

The study, conducted by Professor Julia R. Lipmman, is called “I Did It Because I Never Stopped Loving You,” and highlights the differences between a pool of women that watches films like Love Actually versus those that watch films like Sleeping With the Enemy (how strangely Julia Roberts can divide our views on love). When contrasted against each other, it was immediately evident that women who saw Mark (Andrew Lincoln) creepily coming over to Juliet’s (Keira Knightley) house to show her an array of cue cards professing his love were far more susceptible to accepting weird (read: lunatic) actions than women who saw Laura (Roberts) get the shit beaten out of her if she didn’t arrange the towels correctly.

And while this all may be fairly scientifically accurate, there is still one primary element the romantic comedy has going for it: mildly restoring a woman’s faith in a man’s ability to do anything other than disappoint and masturbate. While some may argue that the rom-com’s representation of a man is too over-the-top and unhealthily unbelievable, it at least doesn’t completely dash a woman’s expectations of ever finding love. And sure, she might go a bit batty herself after approximately thirty years straight of watching unrealistic depictions of the male gender sweep Audrey Hepburn, Molly Ringwald, Kate Hudson and everyone else except her off their feet, but at least her hope will die after she does. So please, don’t let a little stalking put you off of believing in love. Plus, I think we all know most modern men are far too lazy and self-involved to put any real gusto into pursuing a girl by means of (physical) stealth.