Almost as surely as Beyoncé is arching her brow over Cardi B’s very poseur-ish baby gender and name reveal Instagram post, Kulture Kiari Cephus is going to have a difficult time living up to her name. It’s ironic, of course, because she will have, presumably, access to far more funds than we or Cardi B ever did as youths, but that’s the thing about being born into a nouveau riche family (the same goes for North and Saint, among others of the Kardashian brood, famous mainly for breeding): you’re doomed to embody the Clampett syndrome when you’re part of new money, always coming across as even more classless and tasteless in your attempt to seem so.
That Cardi B and her now husband (who, yes, likely pulled a Jay-Z and was also forgiven), Offset, have the means to provide Kulture with nothing but the finest in clothing, schooling and hoeing lessons is practically setting her up for disaster. For how can little Kulture ever get a little culture when she’s being overloaded to the point where she basically just wants to crawl into her room and do a little “web cam therapy”?
When the Whitney and Bobby disorder portion of the marriage hits, of course, Kulture is only going to want to rebel all the more against her name, finding her way into any seedy dive that New York City might still have to offer at that point. And no, she won’t remember any of the French she learned at the Lycée Français de New York before she was kicked out, or rather, “changed tracks,” by going to LaGuardia High School instead (it’s no Renaissance, surely, but it will do). She will, however, never be able to forget her worth. Financially.
And after she’s done with Saint, Journey (Megan Fox’s child, for those less amenable to bona fide celebrity children as opposed to reality celebrity children), Dmitri (Mila Kunis’ spawn) and any other male born in 2016, maybe then–and only then–will she consider a lesbian foray with Dream Kardashian. That will inevitably become a sex tape called something to the effect of I Dream of Kulture. Which Kulture surely will be as a result of this name that’s been bestowed upon her, to the sheer horror of Kris Jenner, wishing that she herself had come up with something so “ethnic,” the wheels turning in her head as to whether or not it’s too late to change Stormi’s name to something that can one-up such a cultural moniker. Eh, but why bother? One of the Kardashians or Jenners will be pregnant again by tomorrow, and then Kulture will have yet another problem to worry about besides her own impossible to live up to name: a celebrity spawn with a more impossible to live up to name than hers.
