Because most people are incapable of discerning that which is synthetic from that which is real, it’s only natural that Cardi B and Bruno Mars should capitalize, once more, on the gimmick of serving “90s R&B” flavor with the same level of fraudulence present on “Finesse” for their latest single, “Please Me.”
Released in time for Valentine’s Day (the occasion black people appreciate far more than white ones in terms of relishing “feelin’ on your booty” music), Cardi announced the single’s arrival via an offputting video with Offset, who still has a long way to go before ever offsetting his many indiscretions. Acting out the lyrics, “Turn around and just tease me, baby/You know what I want and what I need, baby,” it’s pretty evident that both Offset and Bruno Mars want more than merely to look at his ephemeral object of affection’s backside. That’s right, he wants to fuck it too. But we can hide all that behind the “coy” lyrics of ersatz R&B.
Except that Cardi eventually just comes right out and says, “Don’t want no young dumb shit/Better fuck me like we listenin’ to Jodeci.” Truth be told, setting the mood might be better if one actually listens to Jodeci, specifically 1995’s “Freek’N You.” The lyrics are equally as direct, but somehow more earnest as K-Ci oozes, “Every time I close my eyes I wake up feeling so horny/I can’t get you outta my mind/Sexin’ you be all I see/I would give anything just to make you understand me/I don’t give a damn about nothing else/Freek’n you is all I need.”
Clearly, however Cardi needs much more than that in order to give up either ass or pussy, insisting to Bruno, “If you can’t sweat the weave out, you shouldn’t even be out/Dinner reservations like the pussy, you gon’ eat out.” In short, he’s got to pay premium for pussy (not a reference to the illustrious Fendi sweater) if he wants to satisfy any Jodeci-level horniness–Valentine’s Day or otherwise. Bruno, who knows subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) that he’s physically inferior, capitulates, “Girl, I ain’t one for beggin’, but now you got me beggin’.” It’s not something Cardi is unaccustomed to hearing, especially after Offset’s embarrassing display at the Rolling Loud Festival back in December.
Even so, with all the chemistry Cardi and Bruno seem to think they have (enough to get together once more to lend a throwaway “sex track” to a token Spotify playlist), there can never be a substitute for the sincere loin-burning of bona fide 90s R&B.
If nothing else, however, at least Cardi has built on her canon of memorable phrases, now adding “your pussy basura, my pussy horchata” to the list of ways to insult lesser women.
