Although Positions might not have achieved the level of acclaim that thank u, next did, that wasn’t to say that the record, touting ample Brandy and general 90s R&B flavor, wasn’t filled with plenty of single potential. Starting out strong with the choice of the eponymous “Positions” as the lead to introduce us to the album, Ariana Grande made a faux pas in selecting “34+35” (that equals 69, tee-hee-hee) as the follow-up to continue carrying the record into the new year. This includes a remix version released on January 15th featuring Doja Cat (who also appears on the record via “Motive”) and Megan Thee Stallion (a true “get” as her popularity has only augmented post-“WAP” and Good News).
Usually remixes mean one of two things: the song is so popular, that it can be repackaged and sell just as well yet again (e.g. Megan Thee Stallion giving us a “Savage Remix” featuring Beyoncé) or, the flipside, the original is so flaccid that it needs a boost of some kind to bring new and better attention to it. Considering the peak of “34+35” was at number eight on the Billboard Hot 100 (compared to “Positions” getting to number one), it seems no coincidence that at the end of this week the song has now jumped from the number nineteen position to the number thirteen one thanks to the additional publicity of this remix. Having been on the chart for ten weeks, it seems that the video for it was not enough to bolster the song’s rather embarrassing lyrics, including, “The way I’ve been cravin’/If I put it quite plainly/Just gimme them babies/So what you doin’ tonight? Better say, ‘Doin’ you right,’” among other such dumbed down descriptions involving what her dietary regimen consists of.
The video, which felt obliged to wield Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me because of its own “69” cachet, did still less to amplify the value of the song, least of all as a single. So here we are with some legitimate women of color (as opposed to it being spray tanned on à la Ari, and even if Doja has dubious ties to white supremacists) trying their best to reinvigorate a song that just isn’t happening. And it’s not only because math in song form only works when it’s done by School House Rock.
It’s Doja Cat who shows up first, and her additions aren’t much to paint a Lady Chatterly’s Lover portrait of sophistication in terms of “sexually charged” lyrics. So it is that we’re hit wiht, “Come make the cat purr, come make my back hurt, ayy/Makin’ that squirt and rain and shower and spray.” Hmm, “Rain On Me” with Lady Gaga did better to evince a more innuendo-laden feel without being so obvious about it.
In accompanying visuals for the lyric video, Grande keeps the fembot thing going amid comic-inspired visuals, and one wonders if there won’t inevitably be a video with all three in fembot regalia so as to continue this insufferable dredging up of Austin Powers. Thee Stallion finally joins in to give the song her best attempt at some new life, making more “WAP” allusions with, “Dive in that water like a private island.” At the very least, one could drown out the song of this lackluster single. Oddly enough, despite the addition of these two women’s verses, the song ends up coming out at the same time length as the original, which is just as well, for who needs it to be any longer?
Let’s hope whatever the third single from Positions is, Grande chooses from “Motive,” “Just Like Magic,” “Off the Table” or “Six Thirty.” ‘Cause this current song is too irritating to make one feel even remotely sexy. And really, who wants to think about math when attempting the 69 position (or in any scenario at all)?
