Mariah Carey, by now a well-known whore for Christmas and all the dividends that arrive in her bank account with it, has not gotten lazy when it comes to revamping her seasonal oeuvre. The latest, Mariah Carey’s Magical Christmas Special–complete with an eponymous soundtrack–is a testament to her steadfast devotion to the most commercial holiday that ever graced American soil (sorry Hanukkah). Not one to be a stingy diva (anymore), Mariah finally acknowledged that Ariana is the “new” her (kind of like Kate Moss did with Cara Delevingne) by inviting Grande to join her onstage for a rendition of “Oh Santa!” from Carey’s second Christmas album, 2010’s Merry Christmas II You. The arbitrary addition of Jennifer Hudson to the mix was apparently Mariah wanting to create a Christina Aguilera at the ’03 VMAs “odd man out” flavor–that, or she was simply trying to cast her own version of Dreamgirls with her in the Beyoncé role (that means Diana Ross–an OG diva Mariah was quick to point out in the pages of her recent memoir that she took the stage with during an oft-forgotten VH1 special called Divas Live, which Mariah was thirsty enough to appear on thrice).
The simulation feel is harnessed not only by the absurdity of these three women performing together (as though communing in some sort of high-pitched dolphin speak), but by the set itself. Like the MTV Video Music Awards earlier this year, which were rightly called out for being utterly devoid of having any true sense of time or place, so, too, is Mariah’s “magical” Christmas special much the same. As though existing outside of anything except the pre-generated ether. This is compounded not only by the absence of any masks (after all, surely Mariah can use the “I paid hundreds of thousands for COVID tests” excuse the way Cardi B does), but also Carey’s CGI usage of “magic” dust to make Hudson appear–and then, of course, Ari.
With a slew of “elves” (a.k.a. interspersed children and desperate for work New Yorkers–aren’t they kind of one and the same?) providing frantic choreography to play up the overall cracked out feel, a massive backdrop featuring turning wheels appears. The kind of cogs one might find in a watch or music box (perhaps the latter, considering Carey’s narcissistic tendency to reference past projects). Thus, there is all at once an unintentional Metropolis vibe. And no, the “Express Yourself” video it is not. Fittingly, the premise of said film was set in an urban dystopia, otherwise known as modern existence. Except, rather than making memes and trying to laugh it off as we do in the present, those in the film (as well as in real life in the form of the Progressives of the era, embodied by the likes of Upton Sinclair) attempt to instate real change. However, Mariah, Ariana and Jennifer seem perfectly content in their self-made simulation. Happy to dispense altogether with the movie’s notion that, “The mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart” (in the “Express Yourself” video, it’s: “Without the heart, there can be no understanding between the hand and the mind”). But who needs heart when you’ve got long, sustained shrieks in the form of “cheer-spreading” carols? Shrieks that become all the more sustained as Carey and Grande one-up each other the way Celine and Aretha did at the 1998 Divas Live.
In fact, neither party seems to be all that aware of the other’s presence as the camera flashes to each of them delivering their respective belted out parts as though they’re all flashing back to a Divas Live performance (Jennifer Hudson actually did appear in two of the specials in 2009 and 2011) from better days–you know, when mass unemployment and not being able to see other people’s facial expressions wasn’t so common. Indeed, this seems to be Mariah’s attempt at not only re-creating her Xmas residency at the Beacon Theater, called All I Want for Christmas Is You: A Night of Joy and Festivity, but also a 2016 edition of Divas Live called VH1 Divas Holiday: Unsilent Night. Beyond the quotidian Christmas aesthetics (think: someone who had an unlimited budget at Michael’s), it’s also the disconnected rapport of the performers that infuses “Oh Santa!” with an oddly sinister flair. In many senses, it’s as though they’re S1M0NE projections of themselves that could just as easily be delivering the performance from an isolation tank that mimeographs their hologram to a remote location for “TV” filming.
But Mariah tries to lend a “homey” feel to the decidedly ersatz concoction that still “resonates” with the masses regardless (a testament to how utterly lacking in real emotion we’ve all become). Thus, not one to stray from ripping off cliches, Carey also includes a narrator for her “festivities”–not unlike what Kacey Musgraves did with Dan Levy in last year’s The Kacey Musgraves Christmas Special. Which, yes, has now somehow managed to seem campier than what Mariah has offered us here. But instead of a “wry” white dude, Carey calls upon her Blackness™ (as she often does when the purpose suits her) in summoning Tiffany Haddish to interject her “humor” in between non-reality numbers.
The intro song, “Sleigh Ride,” is just such a case in point of that narration followed by non-reality, with Mariah blithely riding a sleigh against the backdrop of an overt green screen. The headline, “Mariah Carey to Arrive in North Pole,” is paraded by one dweller of said milieu as he reads a newspaper (ostensibly, we’re meant to believe that the North Pole is quaint enough for people to still read tangible newspapers). Billy Eichner then appears as the requisite gay man to express the effusiveness required of a Mariah-worshipping elf. Accordingly, he starts losing his shit as her sleigh lands. From there it’s a lot ooooh-ing and re-creating the basic imagery of her update to the “All I Want For Christmas Is You” video, 2019’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You (Make My Wish Come True Edition)”.
The manufactured look that’s established from the outset sustains itself in the so-called “Santa’s workshop” environment of “Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane)/House Top Celebration” featuring Snoop Dogg as Santa Claus (for more simulation cachet) and Jermaine Dupri, the “snow-covered forest” of “O Holy Night” and the “snow-covered village” of “Joy to the World” and “Silent Night.” In “Joy to the World,” a “control room” monitoring the Earth’s “spirit level” assures viewers that it’s definitely rising as Mariah’s octaves continue to elevate (often to rather vexing heights). Because yes, we’re supposed to buy into the idea that morale can genuinely be boosted by a pop star as chaos continues to ensue at a breakneck pace regardless of whether it’s the “holiday season” or not. For many people, that will never register thanks to their circumstances.
Oh, but people need to feel holiday cheer right now more than ever, they say. Yes, why not let everybody delude themselves just a little bit longer before the persistent reckoning arrives in 2021? What’s more, Mariah continues to represent an era in which the American-spurred excess of Christmas was socially acceptable. By now, one would think that the “razzmatazz” “grandiosity” of a New York à la Rockefeller Center-inspired Xmas (Mariah, after all, is convinced she’s an NYC girl despite being from Long Island and living her “Tommy years” in Westchester) could be stamped out. But no, its forced absence this year has only made people crave it all the more in their hopeless bid for “normalcy.” As if capitalism on steroids being billed as “the spirit of Christmas” is normal. Mariah, preying on these consumer-driven vulnerabilities, remarked of the special, “It really is coming at a time where I think we all just need to feel better about our lives ‘cause of what we’ve gone through this past year” (okay Mimi, what have you gone through this year?).
Ergo, Mariah lays it on thick to achieve the “pleasantness”–the schmaltz-laden, numbness-inducing “warmth”–of the simulation model presented by this Christmas special. One that makes us all the more amenable to the notion of living in a self-manufactured bubble where we can ignore pain and suffering. Oh, and speaking of profit margins brought on by making people “feel” “joy,” Mariah asserts, “It’s been a really hard year,” during “Silent Night,” trying her best to sound empathetic. “But I’m so grateful we can be here together in this moment,” she continues. As though we actually are. “And together, we can celebrate love and light, which is in my heart, what Christmas is all about.”
It’s at this point we wonder if Jack Nicholson might come out to deliver the As Good As It Gets line, “Sell crazy somewhere else. We’re all stocked up here.” Luckily for Mariah, the world positively splooges–replenishes its lifeblood–when presented with crazy.
