Just because the idea is there, doesn’t necessarily mean it will translate to the “greatness” imagined. Such is the case with A Clüsterfünke Christmas, written by SNL alums Ana Gasteyer and Rachel “Debbie Downer” Dratch. Despite touting how they’ve seen just about every Hallmark/Lifetime movie there is, therefore knowing the genre in and out well enough to parody it, that knowledge alone does not seem to be enough to make A Clüsterfünke Christmas “comedy gold.” What’s more the constant touting of how “no one has ever done this before” as the duo appeared on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon and The Kelly Clarkson Show ought to have landed with a thud in that The Bitch Who Stole Christmas literally just did the same thing, also citing Hallmark movies as the parody inspiration.
But where The Bitch Stole Christmas had a stronger gimmick with the incorporation of drag–not to mention far bawdier humor–A Clüsterfünke Christmas frequently lands flat by relying solely on “tropes” for their laughs. Obviously the biggest one being the fact that the lead character is a big city executive sent to a small town to take over a business. Specifically, the Clüsterfünke Inn, located in a quaint town at the northernmost tip of Maine called, what else, Yuletown. And in Yuletown, it’s immediately clear that the primary activity is drinking hot chocolate (or cocoa, for those who prefer to say it that way). Hence, the signage pointing in all directions leading to just that when Holly (Vella Lovell) steps off the train at the Yuletown station… that very deliberately looks like the same exact station she boarded in Portland, Maine–all part of parodying how these Hallmark movies are typically made on a scant budget in Vancouver. Incidentally, where A Clüsterfünke Christmas was shot as well (whereas another “beloved” “favorite” of this year’s Christmas movie bombardment, Single All the Way, opted for the opposite side of Canada in Montreal).
From there, it doesn’t take her very long to get to the inn, what with the town being the size of a butter pat. It is here that she first encounters Hildy (Gasteyer) and Marga (Dratch) Clüsterfünke, two sisters in their forties (who are deliberately dressed in garb and gray buns to make them seem in their seventies) that rely on the same kind of platitude signs as Carole (Kathy Najimy) in the aforementioned Single All the Way. Except theirs are passed-down isms from relatives prior, including, “If your knuckles aren’t bleeding by the end of the day, you’re a piece of dung.” Such a boomer statement, if ever there was one, what with that generation still looking down on cerebral computer “work.”
Also listing Airplane! as a major influence on how to go about this project, Gasteyer and Dratch didn’t seem to opt for any occasional slapstick moments to better represent that influence. Unless one counts Holly’s love interest, Frank (Cheyenne Jackson), getting a small head injury before trying to light the fire at the annual Bonfire Fest. It’s clear that part of the script’s problem is its unwillingness to cross a certain threshold in where it will take the art of satirization. “You want it to be funny, but it’s not funny if you’re making fun of it, like, you really have to be it,” Lovell told one morning talk show while promoting the movie. Of course, making fun of something is sort of part and parcel of the definition of a parody. Even if “all in good spirit.” Indeed, Lovell’s breakout role as Heather Davis on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a much better example of a project that truly has a mastery of doing a sendup of a genre (musicals).
It doesn’t take Holly long to come around to the ways of Yuletown, complete with no coffee anywhere to be found. Just hot chocolate (obviously, don’t send either of the Lorelai Gilmores here). She even becomes as immune to the blatant product placement as everyone else. A requisite montage scene of Holly bonding over “business things” with the sisters is as inevitable as the makeover she’ll offer them upon being shocked to learn that they’re in their forties. But, as Gasteyer says, in these movies (and any context for women, really), “You’re either an ingenue and you’re eligible for breeding or you’re Mrs. Claus.” Holly prefers to place them somewhere in between, but ends up making them look like the sort of hookers one would find on Rue Saint-Denis. Either way, it’s meant to serve as part of the “hilarity.” Including Holly’s suggestion for them to start synergizing their business by selling their strudels on the internet. Hence, the appearance of a vintage Mac with a dial-up connection.
Alas, even the appearance of Maya Rudolph as off-brand pop diva Shaniah Gary (the chanteuse of the Christmas hit, “All I’ll Have for Christmas is Fruit”) giving Holly the generic advice to follow her heart can’t make this narrative quite the level of funny it wants to be.
While the “bone structure” is there for the parodying premise, Gasteyer and Dratch never take it to a more developed level beyond, “We want people to be able to make a drinking game out of all the tropes they see.” And sure, the viewer shouldn’t expect much in the way of “sophistication” considering the genre it’s parodying, but the movie feels like a missed opportunity to truly go all-out on screwball comedy… again, the way The Bitch Who Stole Christmas actually did. For example, Frank, the proverbial “dreamboat,” doesn’t go to the same lengths of lampooning the male cliche in these types of movies as Big Russ (Andy Ridings), who constantly finds no reason whatsoever to randomly take his shirt off in front of “Maggie Zine” (Krysta Rodriguez) and make her swoon.
The furthest Gasteyer and Dratch really go for the jugular on parody is accenting a lack of genuine diversity in these Hallmark movies, offering the same “token” non-white characters in the form of a Black man named Jackie (Kwasi Thomas) and an Asian woman named May (Sharon Crandall) who run the tellingly-named Colorful Representations stall in the local square. Gasteyer and Dratch are also quite fond of making fun of how general a term “business” is because, in fact, no one actually knows how to do it or what really makes someone “good” at it. Least of all Holly herself, who quickly seems to forget what business even is as she falls prey to Frank’s ripped physique and Yuletown’s “rustic charm.”
Incorporating the requisite love triangle by bringing Holly’s rich d-bag boyfriend (played by Ryan McPartlin) into the mix during the second act, we’re, of course, finally brought to the moment where she has her grand epiphany: real love doesn’t relate to material things or status. And that’s all part of what Christmas–the most materialistic and corporate holiday of all-time–is meant to remind us of.
As for the generic-sounding music peppered throughout, Dratch commented to Fallon, “There’s a lot of movies where they wanna start with ‘Jingle Bell Rock,’ but they can’t afford the rights so it sort of sounds like ‘Jingle Bell Rock,’ so we wrote some songs like that. ‘Jangle Bell Shake.’” In many respects, this little gimmick is likenable to what one would see done on 30 Rock (where Dratch also cameo’d in many different random roles)–probably permanently ruined by Alec Baldwin’s presence in it. Case in point, Jenna (Jane Krakowski) starring as “Jackie Jormp-Jomp” in a Janis Joplin-esque biopic where she sings such songs as “Chunk of My Lung” because the studio making the movie can’t be bothered with the legal scuffle involved in making it “Piece of My Heart.” Incidentally, “Jackie Jormp-Jomp” was directed by Don Scardino, who also directed the superior Hallmark parody… that’s right, The Bitch Who Stole Christmas.
