Even the mention of Moses can’t lend much depth to the latest single from Blackpink, a group that might be better off either not singing in English or only collaborating with Lady Gaga in terms of their American-focused projects. As for Chromatica, the K-pop quartet spoke of not quite as sweet a treat: “Sour Candy.” Whereas this track was laden with wink and nod subtext that was carried off with more success, “Ice Cream” feels like a grossly saccharine reversion to the overplayed trope of an “unwitting” sex kitten just “innocently” licking her ice cream.
Complete with the childlike sets of the average “Instagram experience” (you know, like the Museum of Ice Cream pop-up that was so endlessly sought after prior to the pandemic problems presented by crowds), the music video opens on the girls of Blackpink–Jisoo, Jennie, Rosé and Lisa–going down a yellow slide as Selena Gomez rolls up in an ice cream truck flipping her hair in a sailor hat. For good product promotion cachet, the limited edition cartons of their Serendipity-sanctioned ice cream are on full display in the window. Billy Corgan in the “Today” video this is not. But, at the very least, Gomez doesn’t make for a creepy or pedo-like ice cream vendor as Blackpink rides around on their bikes in the cul-de-sac of an acid trip version of what suburbia looked like in the 1950s. And, of course, what Lolita reference is complete without the use of heart-shaped sunglasses, featured prominently during this bike riding scene… complete with training wheels to accent the notion of prepubescent glory.
All at once, Gomez is out of the ice cream truck eating yet another cone and somewhat sardonically changed into workout attire with a visor. Is she trying to tell us that fit and thin people can be just as prone to the temptation of ice cream as the fat and the under ten? To add to the innocent suburban vibe, we even get a golden retriever cameo, his tongue sticking out to indicate the heat. More sexual cliches pertaining to “nubility” are bandied in the form of suggestively holding a cherry as the lyrics, “You’re the cherry piece, just stay on top of me” are uttered. For fuck’s sake, even Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s “WAP” seems to have more subtlety than this innuendo, just one of many, including, “Get it, flip it, scoop it, do it like that, oh yeah, oh yeah/Like it, love it, lick it, do it like la-la-la, oh yeah.” Are we singing a song or writing the script to a porno?
Apparently the latter, for there are almost too many insinuating lyrics to even point out without writing down the words to the entire song. And as the video progresses, the sets become less cohesive, with Gomez suddenly in a late 40s look with a car to match that era and the girls of Blackpink dancing on an indoor tennis court.
It all concludes with an ice cream-themed bounce house one imagines the record label’s marketing team wanted to make come to life but, again, corona ruined so many people’s money-making potential. In fact, one could even envision the Museum of Ice Cream wanting to revive with a full-tilt Museum of Ice Cream x Blackpink collaboration.
As the song comes to a close, the lyrics get in their final splooge of raunchiness with, “Get the bag with the cream/If you know what I mean” (um, do you mean a condom filled with cum? ‘Cause this ain’t soundin’ like a money reference) and Jennie practically orgasming out the words, “Ice cream!” We get it, the “sexy child” shtick works. But it also really doesn’t in this particular song and video, the latter of which, in short, makes one sort of wonder if Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost directed it in secret, ‘cause Nabokov wouldn’t be havin’ none of this shit.
