Cristoforo Colombo: The Ultimate Italian Bastardo

As time has worn on and people have gradually come to know that Christopher Columbus was a total asshole who didn’t discover America or much of a anything beyond his own penis, the general consensus is that he’s an overrated Italian explorer who somehow managed to finagle a national holiday in his honor that some companies occasionally allow their employees to take.

With the support of Isabella and Ferdinand, Columbus promised to go to the East Indies to secure a spice trade deal with Asia. Semi-mongoloid that he was, he ended up in the Bahamas and started claiming land left and right on behalf of the Spanish crown–as if he even had that sort of authority.

Even though the Americas had long ago been “discovered” in the eleventh century by Leif Ericson, Columbus didn’t want everyone to know how foolish he had been, never admitting fault for not actually landing in the Indies by calling the natives of the soil on which he landed “Indians.” His crude treatment of the indigenous people not only included forcing Christianity down their throat, but also running a tyrannical government in his position of power as governor. He was ultimately stripped of power and died from a combination of reactive arthritis, gout and a few STDs at the age of around 54 in 1506. This proved that a karmic balance once existed in the 16th century.