For whatever reason, it seems like Gaten Matarazzo is more of a household name than Heather (no relation), who blazed the trail for “awkward” (read: not pristine, Hollywood-ified creatures) children like Gaten to make appearances in film and TV. With her breakout role as Dawn Wiener in 1995’s Welcome to the Dollhouse, Matarazzo set the bar high for her career from the outset. Perhaps too high, as she struggled to consistently land the same accolades after that part, offering mostly “bit” and supporting roles in subsequent movies like Scream 3 and The Princess Diaries (both of which provided sequels for her to be in). In fact, those are probably the only two movies the “layman” could identify her from.
All of this being said, no one can be that surprised about a missive she wrote on May 10th that declared, “I have hit my limit with Life today. I have hit my limit with whatever games the Universe is playing. I am done. I am tired. I truly feel at a fucking loss. I feel at a loss because I feel I have done THE WORK, for a long time, with no complaint. I have taken the disappointments, the rejections, etc., and maintained that rejection is redirection. I have had continual FAITH in the Universe, but today, something broke… I’ve given my life to acting for over thirty years. And am done struggling just to survive. I just need a win. A life-changing win. ‘Cause this ain’t it. Fuck.” Some might read that and think, “No shit, join the club. That’s literally how most people are forced to live.” But others, including fans and artists alike who responded to her outpouring, were quick to commiserate with experiencing the same emotions on a day-to-day basis. Granted, these are the types of people who actually have to work horrific menial jobs every day while Matarazzo can chill at home, but maybe that’s her own form of artist’s torture in that she can’t actually use her skills to make consistent income, however low.
One user responded to her comment with, “I hit a similar wall today. I have been stuck in dead end day jobs my whole life and my body and spirit are broken as a result. I’m over fifty and still trying to get my first film made. I hit my limit twenty years ago but just kept going and still haven’t gotten where I want.” Which makes one think of all the struggling artists who have and might never even make it to where Matarazzo is at (disdainful as she finds her place in the acting world). In addition to all the platitudes constantly bandied about how, if you just keep trying, keep “plugging along,” something is bound to happen sooner or later. But the truth is, it’s not. As most realistic people are aware, the universe owes nothing to anyone, no matter how badly they want something. The instances of people we do see slipping through that rare crack in the abyss between poverty and fame (to be clear, the kind of fame that makes money) are held up ad nauseam as a beacon of light for the rest of us so that we might all keep telling ourselves that we, too, could be that rare exception if we just, like Matarazzo, continue to “do the work.” This, of course, is Capitalism’s greatest trick.
At this point, there will inevitably come the outcries of, “Well, with that attitude, you’re never gonna get anywhere.” But again, the great myth of life—one that many motivational speakers have built their empire on—is that attitude affects an outcome. It doesn’t. Whatever is going to happen will happen. That’s that. And maybe this is part of the reason why those who realize such a thing are more prone to suicidal tendencies. Like Matarazzo herself, who once shared she was on the verge of killing herself after a series of fruitless auditions circa 2009.
The degradation that an artist of any kind must endure is hellacious, but the cattle call (a very telling term in the industry) nature of the acting world seems particularly unkind, especially, as everyone knows, toward women of “a certain age.” And of a certain “offbeat” (read: not conventional or Barbie-like) look. Matarazzo is contending with all of that, and it’s no wonder she would end up hitting a wall. The proverbial moment that most “failed” artists have after so much time spent devoted to something that will only leave them destitute. And since every measure of success in this society is geared toward the monetary, how can anybody expect an artist to thrive in such conditions? Let alone try to. It’s the primary reason that art itself is being stamped out at such an alarming rate. People don’t see the “value” in pursuing arts like painting or writing—why would they when everything they’ve been conditioned to believe is that we should all pursue an avenue that makes money. You are what you make. Ergo, most artists are “nothing.”
Matarazzo, in her suspended state of “bit player” when it comes to casting, highlights another often-unaddressed aspect of “making it” in art as a business. That is to say, is it almost worse to have only “sort of” made it in your métier? Constantly hoping to break into the next tier in order to not only be recognized for your work, but also be adequately compensated for it?
Matarazzo’s estimated net worth is around $750,000. Sure, that might not evoke much sympathy from the struggling actor who barely makes $18,000 a year doing god knows what in between auditioning, but one must admit it’s not exactly “flush” when taking into account how much other famous actors make (your Jennifer Lawrences and your Leonardo DiCaprios). What’s more, Matarazzo is reaching the “scary age” for an actress, where she naturally feels inclined to reassess everything with regard to where she might want the future to take her. Does she want to keep going down the path of more rejection, more middling parts that don’t pay what she’s worth? The answer, it would appear, is hell no. And that’s a huge wake-up call to many artists that have never ascended to her “marginal” heights. Because if even “mid-grade” artists find the field totally demeaning and not at all reciprocal of the work put in, what hope does the full-tilt “nobody” have?
This isn’t to say that all artists should give up (many of which don’t need to be told twice), but rather, to bring attention to the dilemma every person who decides to stay true to their artistry must endure. Most notably when they end up making the life-long commitment to it. A commitment, in the end, that will lead to madness and destitution if you’re not that “rare bird” who manages to turn pain into profit. Just another way in which capitalism has blood on its hands: by even tainting art with the need to feast on money.
