If David Bowie, Shirley Bassey and Elvis Presley Had a Lovechild.

Is it some sort of cosmic coincidence that David Bowie, Shirley Bassey and Elvis Presley all share a January 8th birthday? It’s hard to say. But what one can deduce from this holy trinity is that if they had a lovechild together he/she would be a beautiful hermaphrodite with a pointy, yet elegant face that was silken and pale (Shirley Bassey has the recessive gene, obviously). He/she would have a body frame that was slight and slender, but also agile and resilient. And, most important of all, he/she would have a singing voice as thick and rich as molasses.

The lovechild’s name would be something esoteric, like Esoteria. He/she would be attracted to no one, because no one would be beautiful or flawless enough to even come close to his/her aesthetic equal. He/she would never feel obligated to associate with a gender, eventually prompting linguists to come up with an entirely new word to address what Esoteria is.

Esoteria’s musical style would be a cross between bluegrass, pop and glam rock. Some of his/her hit singles might include “Pedophiles Prosper,” “Antichrist Angel” and “Dorian Gay.” His/her career would surpass David Bowie’s and Shirley Bassey’s, but not Elvis’. And, in spite of all the commercial and critical success, Esoteria would still ultimately feel utterly alone in the world–as all beautiful and talented people do.

But no matter how alone Esoteria felt, he/she would never trade his/her specialness for normalcy. Because to be normal is to be, in essence, brain dead (and probably poor). No, no, Esoteria would endure her solitude the same way Elvis did: Through heavy prescription. But he/she would always maintain a svelte, Bowie-esque figure.

In the end, Esoteria would possess the same fate as his/her mother, Shirley Bassey. He/she would be dredged up now and again in his/her old age for special events and tributes, resigning his/herself to the notion that this is what old age is: Suffering indignity while you show younger people how inadequate they are.