Jennifer Aniston’s Hair is Everywhere

Among other women, Jennifer Aniston ruined my life. She forced me to acknowledge that my hair is total shit. No matter what length it is, it always looks like a wig–and not in a good way. Its thickness makes it impossible for my hair to ever look like that of someone chic or polished. I tried to ignore it and was even able to through the pervasiveness of “the Rachel” in 1994 (which was actually one of her worst haircuts) because of how young I was during this period. But by the time 1999 rolled around and J.A. was sporting those covetously long tresses on Friends, I had to recognize that my hair (and everyone else’s) was paltry by comparison.

It isn’t just that Aniston has access to stylists who can provide her with around the clock blowouts and soothing serums, it’s something else entirely. An aura, if you will, of perfection. Her hair can be whatever it wants–from sassy and flirty to staid and refined. A normal woman’s hair can only be one thing: Banal.

No matter what nondescript tawny shade Aniston’s hair is, it always possesses just the right level of smoothness, shine and pliable texture. It rarely seems to be in a ponytail or any sort of updo, and why would it? The only time women wear their hair up is when it looks like ass and they can’t be bothered. J.A. has no need for that, it’s hair down all the way, all the time for her. While she once let us in on the unlikely “secret” that she used Mane’n Tail to get longer, more lustrous hair (highly doubtful), it was at least her attempt at making us all feel like non-famous people could attain her look, too.

But alas, we cannot attain her look. Her hair, for whatever reason is an impenetrable fortress of secret majesty. No one knows how she really does it. Even others of Greek descent couldn’t tell you. It’s as much of an unsolved mystery as her divorce from Brad Pitt and why he decided to have a litter of children with someone other than her.