When one is a member of the Kardashian-Jenner juggernaut, it becomes harder and harder to stay relevant in the headlines. After all, is there anything this coterie of Armenian-American Barbies (well, the Kardashian faction, anyway) hasn’t tapped into in terms of getting tongues to wag (no, that’s not a cunnilingus innuendo)? And yet, the one thing left to truly embrace is self-parody. Or at least the ability to mock the absurdity of the family and all it stands for (in essence, modern American “ideals”). A family that wouldn’t be where it is today without riding on the coattails of one, Kim Kardashian—an ex-closet organizer who herself rode on the coattails of Paris Hilton (in addition to riding Ray J’s dick) to get to “the top” (or what capitalist society indoctrinates us to believe is “the top”).
And so, that’s precisely what Kim K—still adding in the “West” to her name for some reason—went about doing for her somewhat non sequitur appearance on Saturday Night Live. That the entire angle of her “comedy” was still centered on a narcissistic, self-focused slant should come as no surprise either. Warming up by “poking” fun at herself first, she referenced how the only thing that made her famous was a sex tape many have speculated her mother was the one to leak.
She then moves on to some “light play” with regard to lambasting her family members by noting, “Basically, I’m just so much more than that reference photo my sisters showed their plastic surgeons.” Debatable, but sure. She then eases her way toward alluding to Kanye with the somewhat out-of-the-blue mention, “The one thing I’m really proud of is that no one could ever call me a gold digger.” First of all, really? That’s the one thing you’re proud of? Secondly, of course she’s not. In order to need to become a gold digger, one would have to not be born into wealth and privilege. So…not much of a surprise that she’s not. Though, granted, it’s unlikely she would have been much of a success at the art of gold digging (so reliant as it is on physical assets) were it not for all the nips and tucks she got by way of already having built-in affluence as a launching point for such procedures. Kardashian continued, “Honestly, I’m not even sure how you become one. So I asked my mom’s boyfriend, Corey.” This referring to Kris Jenner’s “partner” of six years, Corey Gamble. A somewhat unfortunate last name when it’s so obviously just that to entrust someone with such apparent gold-digging attributes (namely, being much younger).
A particularly cringe-y moment comes when she talks about how O.J. Simpson was the first Black person she ever met—which, apart from being a generally weird thing to say, also indicates she would’ve been well into her teens by the time she allegedly interacted with someone Black. Though, if that’s really the case, we all know she’s certainly made up for lost time in the present. Her precise words are, “I credit [my dad] with opening my eyes to racial injustice. It’s because of him that I met my first Black person.” Yikes. Privilege sure is an insulator, innit?
The monologue continues in its “tear down the family” approach with, “I would never tell anyone what they can and can’t do—remember, I’m a Kim, not a Karen. And honestly, with all of the K names, it’s really impressive that my mom didn’t pick Karen. I mean, somehow she just knew. I don’t know how she saw that one coming and not Caitlyn.”
Kim saves the buildup toward roasting Kanye for last, segueing into it by briefly feigning that she’s going to make an announcement about running for office before saying she’s just kidding, because, after all, “We can’t have three failed politicians in one family”—this being a reference to Kanye’s failed bid for president and Caitlyn’s failed bid for governor of California.
Again calling out skin tone a little too gleefully, Kim goes on about Kanye, “He’s the richest Black man in America. A talented genius who gave me four incredible kids. So, when I divorced him, you have to know it came down to just one thing: his personality.” Well that’s certainly going to rile up his bipolarity. But what does it matter when you’ve got “ten million” viewers to impress?—especially when many of them probably aren’t in the usual age bracket Kim caters to, broadcast television being decidedly antiquated and all.
Apart from the opening monologue, the nod to her family’s privilege and very specific dating patterns also came into play for a sketch called “Jasmine and Aladdin,” with Pete Davidson playing the latter and none other than Kim as Jasmine. As Aladdin works up to confessing that he’s nervous about not being “man enough” for her (read: he has a small, white man’s pencil dick), “Jourtney” rides by with Kenan Thompson as Ezekiel Elliott on her own magic carpet. Jasmine explains, “That’s my sister Jourtney, we all have J names.” As “Ezekiel” proceeds to demean Aladdin by adding “little” in front of everything (as in: “Is Jasmine takin’ you out for a little magic carpet ride for your little birthday?”), the intimidation factor grows too strong for Aladdin to resist summoning the genie and asking for his third wish to be a bigger penis instead of the genie’s freedom. When Jasmine sees it, her comment speaks to how much free reign the Kardashians seem to get on fetishizing Black men as she notes, “Wow, that is better—even though it’s the wrong color.”
Another key moment in “good-naturedly” ridiculing the family comes in the form of a sketch called “The People’s Kourt.” With Kim playing Kourtney as a deadbeat Judge Judy type who says things like, “Order in the Kourtney,” her first case features the real Kris Jenner (always happy to make a cameo in just about anything). She demands, “Mom, why are you suing Kylie and Kendall?” An on-the-verge-of-laughing Kris says, “I’m suing Kylie because she hasn’t had her baby yet. We have a whole marketing/PR plan, and she’s costing us money.” “Kylie” defends herself next to “Kendall” on the witness stand with, “I can’t, like, grow it faster, Mom.” Kris counters, “Uh, yes you can—take it from me. I had Khloé…I made her in four months. So do your Kegel exercises and use your vagine.” “Mom, I am!” Kim-as-Kourtney chimes in, “Whatever. And Mom, why are you suing Kendall?” “Well I’m suing Kendall because she has absolutely no drama. She won’t cause any drama and it’s damaging our brand.” “Kendall” retorts, “I’m a Jenner, not a Kardashian.” Kris ripostes, “And that’s something you need to work on, honey.” Kim-as-Kourtney closes the case with, “Ew, this is so cringe. Guilty.” Kendall inquires, “Who’s guilty? Me, Mom or Kylie?” “I don’t care, you pick.”
To further lampoon Kourtney, it goes without saying that a mention of her dating Travis Barker for no reason whatsoever (apart from some weird glitch in the matrix) is required. Thus, he appears to the narration, “Kourtney’s boyfriend, straight out of the year 2000, Blink-182’s Travis Barker.” Playing up the 00s element, Kim-as-Kourtney asks, “Will you drum ‘All The Small Things’ on my ass when we get home?” He vacantly responds, “Hands or sticks?” She then insists, “Both, baby.”
The voiceover continues, “It’s the Kardashian family like you’ve always seen them before.” Because the name of the game in order to remain “darlings” of the public is to self-flagellate in a meta sort of way. That’s what twenty-first century fame has become contingent upon, in fact. So it is that Kim-as-Kourtney persists in the festival of frippery by commenting of the case between “Kim” and Kanye, “This is so boring. Bring in my bailiffs and best friends, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox.” “Megan” then asks, “Wait, why are we best friends?” Kourtney promptly reminds, “Because our boyfriends have tattoos for necks.”
Kris Jenner and Khloé Kardashian were also game to appear in a sketch called “The Switch,” wherein Aidy Bryant lusts after Kim’s life, while Kim mentions wanting to have just one normal “boring” day like Aidy probably does all the time. With that, they agree to a Freaky Friday-inspired swap that, for no ostensible reason, stems from use of a “magic clock” Kim just happens to have on hand. When Aidy gets a little too comfortable in Kim’s Skims, the “influencer” has to take matters into her own hands and barge into Aidy-as-Kim’s dressing room as she gushes to Kris and Khloé about how she’s always wanted a famous family. Yes, it certainly makes things easier and less dreary, despite all the complaints from celebrities to the contrary.
And so, while Kim may have quintessentially sold her family down the river (with their very obvious blessing)—and wait, that might not be the best choice of an idiom considering the family’s lust for Black men—for the sake of some laughs and a “clout refresh,” it’s not as though she got quite as cutthroat as they did in the Bible. Though maybe a movie project with Kim and one of her sisters playing female versions of Cain and Abel (Kaina and Kabela?) can’t be far behind.
