In a series called Mondo Bullshittio, let’s talk about some of the most glaring hypocrisies and faux pas in pop culture…and all that it affects.
As though to further confirm that Mean Girls has entered into the so-called woke era, the latest development in its digital release ultimately comes as no shock. For the “slight alteration” caters to a particular person’s sensitivities, which is what life after the early twenty-first century has been all about. Pandering, bowing, capitulating, etc. Even to the very celebrities that were once so readily fed to the wolves in the era of “Lindsay Lohan supremacy.” An era that, as many know, was very short-lived once Lohan buckled under the scrutiny of child/teen fame and proceeded to pull a Miley before Miley even did. In fact, it could be argued that Lohan (in addition to Britney Spears) paved the way for women like Miley Cyrus to have their “rebellious” (read: normal reaction to their situation and lifestyle opportunities) “phase” with far less flak. Because, believe it or not, Cyrus was far less shat upon in her “shedding the Hannah Montana persona” days than Lohan or Spears in the mid-00s.
Although there were “attempts” on Lohan’s part to make a comeback (something she’s been announcing since she started to fall off after Herbie: Fully Loaded), it seemed no matter what movie she made it was 1) rather bad (even if bad in the gay-loving camp sort of way) and 2) totally mitigated by her latest drug-addled hijinks. In 2006, when the infamous “fire crotch” line that served to sting Lohan (even, when she least expected it, in 2024) came to light, it was caused by the unholy matrimony of the internet and celebrity-obsessed culture. Thus, the existence of a video like the one of Brandon Davis (who no one except Paris and Lindsay remember) calling Lohan a fire crotch could be immortalized in the annals of pop culture. But it was so much more specific than that mere “epithet,” still often used to demean the female ginger. No, Davis got extremely passionate about Lohan’s fire crotch, egged on by Paris Hilton to deliver his epic monologue on the subject while drunkenly sauntering through the streets of Hollywood after going to Hyde Lounge (the height of “seeing and being seen” in 00s LA). In fact, Davis wasn’t even naming names until Hilton goaded, “Who has a fire crotch?”
And that’s when Davis let it rip: “Lindsay Lohan has got the stinkiest, fuckin’ sweaty orange vagina anyone has ever seen. I haven’t seen it! But it shits out freckles, it’s orange and it fucking smells like diarrhea.” Elsewhere in the tirade, Davis adds, “The truth is, her movie bombed and her pussy is orange. Nobody would fuck her with a ten-foot pole” and, again, “Lindsay Lohan is a fire crotch. And she has freckles coming out of her vagina.” There’s no doubt that Lohan saw the footage of this at some point. Or was at least informed of it. Indeed, 2006 was the year of bandying insults for Paris and Lindsay, with the latter calling her a cunt on camera and then immediately taking it back to say, “Paris is my friend.” In any case, it seemed no coincidence that Lohan dyed her hair a dark shade of brown that year, almost as though to deny her ginger-ness altogether. Though, in the present, she’s obviously decided to fully embrace it by starring in a Netflix movie (yet another one) called Irish Wish (which surely has to be better than Falling For Christmas…a feat that’s not difficult to achieve). Parading that red hair of hers for good “Irish roots” measure. Perhaps if Davis ever sees the movie, he might be severely triggered again.
Just as Lohan was by the term “fire crotch” being wielded in Mean Girls 2024 by none other than Coach’s new-fangled/erstwhile Regina George, Megan Thee Stallion (who also offered her services for the lead single from the soundtrack, “Not My Fault”). The line, no doubt written by Tina Fey, comes up after Regina (Renée Rapp) falls with a major thud onstage at the Winter Talent Show (something that, of course, doesn’t happen in the original movie) and a barrage of TikTok videos commenting on the literal and metaphorical fall is unleashed. Among the commenters speaking in favor of Cady (Angourie Rice, taking on Lohan’s part) “saving the performance” is Megan Thee Stallion, who declares, “Okay so, somebody sent me this look and I was like, ‘Hot girls, we are going back to red!’ Y2K fire crotch is back!”
But, as Lohan has decreed, it apparently isn’t (even though the drama she created about the phrase being used resulted in her making far more headlines than she’s lately been accustomed to). Or at least, that “hurtful” two-word moniker isn’t…even if the look itself (for her) is. In fact, Lohan was very “disappointed” (as Ms. Norbury would say) in the use of that “slur” in the movie, taking her back to a place, emotionally speaking, that she didn’t want to revisit. Not just 2006, but also her cellblock in 2010, for it was also reported that fellow inmates would chant that nickname at her. Per a July 25, 2010 report from Intelligencer, “Lindsay Lohan has reportedly been brought to tears in jail because…inmates have been calling her ‘fire crotch.’” But hey, like the show says, “Orange is the new black.” Or maybe, like “fetch,” Lohan can’t seem to make it happen. But what she could make happen was airing her sentiments about the line out there for everyone to hear (well, everyone who’s still interested in 00s pop culture…so yeah, everyone). Except, instead of releasing a statement herself, she had her “representative” announce, “Lindsay was very hurt and disappointed by the reference in the film.”
Be that as it may, “hurt feelings” being a reason to stifle an artistic choice or a certain breed of humor is a dangerous habit to form. And yet, it is a habit that has appeared to become a “best practice” in recent years, as we’ve also seen Taylor Swift eliminate the word “fat” from her “Anti-Hero” music video and Beyoncé remove the word “spaz” from her lyrics. All of these things done pretty much instantaneously upon the expression of offense. Designed to blot out the fact that it ever happened (in true Orwellian fashion).
With the removal of Megan Thee Stallion’s “shady” comment, however, Mean Girls 2024 becomes the complete version of its overly-sanitized self—including changing “fugly slut” to “fugly cow.” Because Lohan forbid we should have any hurt feelings. And yet, even when the steps to “eradicate” the potential for such hurt occurs, most people know full well that we still live in a world of mean girls (and boys). Alas, in “girl world” (run by little boys posing as men), all the fighting continues to be “sneaky.”
