For someone who keeps saying she’s changed long ago, and wants to forget about the part of her life that caused her to reign over the tabloids almost as much as fellow 00s icons Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan can never seem to resist leaning into the same old shtick when it comes to brand partnership. The latest entity she’s shilling for? Planet Fitness. A gym, by the way, that no celebrity living in posh Beverly or Hidden Hills (or Dubai, for that matter) would ever fuck with. Not just because they have their own private gym, but because, simplement, Planet Fitness is for the hoi polloi. Lohan, however, has admitted through her actions long ago that she considers herself to be among this demographic (in case her trying to snatch a homeless child on Instagram Live wasn’t an indication).
Maybe it all started somewhere around the time she decided it would be a good idea to “improve her image” by doing a documentary for BBC Three—yes, Three—called Lindsay Lohan’s Indian Journey, somehow meant to highlight “important issues,” as she vaguely called them, via using what was left of her “good name” to give focus to said country. After that, she seemed to give up entirely on anything like a “rehabilitated,” “do-gooder” image by continuing to parody herself and incidents that were already old tabloid news (see: the esurance ad for yet another Super Bowl in 2015). And no, it wasn’t even “fresh” news at the beginning of 2012 that she had stolen a necklace from a chichi Venice Beach boutique—as though Winona Ryder could ever be topped with her 2001 Saks Fifth Avenue shoplifting spree. And yet, she was happy to recycle that old material as well. This much was clear on the 2012 episode of Saturday Night Live during which she spends the majority of her monologue alluding to her past “missteps” by way of certain cast members (from Kenan Thompson to Kristen Wiig—and then, a cameo by Jimmy Fallon) randomly appearing onstage to indicate they don’t trust her.
The episode then segued into the only strong sketch, “Real Housewives of Disney,” before devolving into the 2012 Psychic Awards, a “Scared Straight” interlude where Lindsay, quelle surprise, plays herself, a very long Weekend Update where Seth Meyers takes the wheel, a sketch called “Delinquent Girl Teen Gang” wherein Fred Armisen bears the brunt via physical comedy, an SNL Digital Short without Lindsay featured at all, an unwatchable sketch featuring DJs named Richard and the Buffalo doing an early morning radio show with Lindsay playing an appropriative “wigga,” a “Chantix” commercial (parodying products designed to help stop smoking) wherein Lindsay, again, doesn’t appear, a very bizarre housesitting sketch with Scream-inspired elements featuring Kristen Wiig, a Verizon commercial making fun of the then-new 4G LTE with Bill Hader and Fred Armisen (once more, no Lindsay), Jason Sudeikis sitting by a fire talking about 70s music being curated in CD form and, finally, the “Rude Buddha” sketch where Andy Samberg is relied upon for the so-called comedy relief. The point being, not only is Lohan happy to make a career out of mocking an era of her life she continues to tell the media she wishes they would stop addressing (while herself encouraging such behavior), she also can’t even be bothered to make that mockery slightly more varied and, at the very least, more intelligently meta (you know, the way the Scream requel was).
Like “former” frenemy Paris Hilton insisting she doesn’t want to be seen as the “dumb blonde” “character” she created for herself during The Simple Life, yet then proceeding to embrace just that on Cooking With Paris, Lindsay can’t seem to let go of a tired image either. One she still appears too self-conscious to let go of because, without it, what does that really leave? A hollow void where rebranding for a new era is just too difficult. Enter this Planet Fitness commercial meant to air during the Super Bowl, featuring fellow “stars” Dennis Rodman, Danny Trejo and William Shatner (cue the article called “Famous People Who Don’t Realize They’re Not Famous Anymore”). It is the latter who provides “ribbing” voiceover narration that pertains to Lindsay’s “sordid” (by 00s standards) past.
“She’s never been sharper,” Shatner insists as Lindsay answers the Jeopardy question (as a contestant), “Which basketball star married himself in 1996?”—which is where Rodman finds his random entrée into the commercial. Shatner continues, “She’s sleeping better than ever, which the paparazzi aren’t thrilled about…” This allows the camera to cut to an exterior shot of an edifice that just says “NIGHT CLUB” in neon lights as a photographer cries and says, “I miss Lindsay.” Except, as one hates to break it to the erstwhile star, nary a photog has been interested in whatever the fuck Lindsay has been doing (or rather, not doing) for the past ten-ish years. Shatner persists in narrating over a scene of Lindsay Bedazzling Danny Trejo’s ankle monitor as he assures, “She’s even more productive, trading DUIs for DIYs.” Haha, hoho. Wasn’t this joke at its peak back in 2007 when Lohan infamously wore her ankle monitor with her pink bikini and a surfboard? No matter, Planet Fitness has memberships to sell, and Lindsay still has plenty of debts to pay (especially thanks to that money pit Lohan Beach Club). Thus, we’re presented with her glowing purple aura as she leaves the “gym” (if that’s what you want to call Planet Fitness), and Shatner, on his own little exercise machine, looks into the camera and says, “Maybe it’s not what’s gotten into Lindsay, it’s what Lindsay’s gotten into.”
For some reason, to boot, this commercial has warranted Lindsay giving interviews about it (as though it’s an actual movie), where she says things like, “You have to poke fun at things, bring light to the situation, especially when—since I’m in such a good place to talk about it.” Hmm…okay. But it’s never really seemed to matter what kind of “place” she’s in when it comes to referencing her party girl persona, because whether at rock bottom or at a faux zen crest, all iterations of Lindsay know that this is “the thing” she’ll always be associated with, even if by her own design thanks to constantly parodying it. Because of that, it’s the thing that will generate her the most extra income. However, in the same interview, Lindsay asserted of using her previous drug addictions as comedic material yet again, “This the final—the last time—we will go backward.” A likely story… for one gets the sense she’ll be “making light” of this “phase” even when she’s in her seventies and beyond—so long as anyone is still around to “laugh” at a joke that hasn’t been relevant in eons.
