The hype surrounding a collaboration between Lizzo and Cardi B has been building since the initial social media tease earlier this month. And, like the duet that took place last year in the form of “WAP” with Cardi and Megan Thee Stallion, fans had high hopes for this as well. But, if they’re being honest with themselves, it’s been more than a slight disappointment as Lizzo squawks and careens through a set seemingly modeled after the animated 1997 movie, Hercules.
Directed once again by current Cardi favorite Tanu Muino (who showed increasing aesthetic promise with Normani and Cardi’s video), it seems all the “casual homage” tendencies she wielded in “Wild Side” have turned into all-out “re-creations” of Hercules’ interpretation of “Greek flavor.” Even the song itself bears a comparable vibe to “Zero to Hero” (covered, incidentally, in 2015 by Ariana Grande, a well-known lover of Hercules, for the album, We Love Disney). So no, if anyone was hoping for a “WAP 2.0,” they can rest assured the best they’re going to get remains the aforementioned “Wild Side.”
Taking the helm for most of the track, Lizzo starts out with a promising intro as she goads, “They don’t know I do it for the culture, goddamn/They say I should watch the shit I post, oh, goddamn/Say I’m turnin’ big girls into hoes, oh, goddamn/They say I get groupies at my shows, oh, goddamn.” But things devolve quickly as verse one commences and the intonation of the single shifts entirely as Lizzo starts engaging in her signature “moan-sing” voice to the tune of a moody (read: annoying) bassline. Compared to her collab with Missy Elliott in 2019, “Tempo,” this is an undeniable fall from Quality’s grace. Perhaps Lizzo developed an affinity for Cardi while they were on the set of Hustlers together, or maybe she decided it was time to cash in on Almánzar’s seeming ability to turn any track into chart gold. Even this schlock. Ah, and speaking of that word, let us talk about the far superior “Rumors”—Lindsay Lohan’s. Making better use of the “mocking my critics” trope, Lohan’s 2004 club banger (which seems more appreciated now than it was then—probably because she was competing with Britney Spears’ “My Prerogative” the same year) outpaces Lizzo and Cardi B’s bargain-basement version at every turn.
Even if Lohan’s “Rumors” is technically cheesier, it offers so much more substance. Not just the laughably polite request, “Can you please respect my privacy?” but also an accompanying video (from Jake Nava, the same man who directed the similarly-themed “My Prerogative”) that provides a snapshot of the 00s at its peak zeitgeist moment. None of this Hercules throwback shit designed to paint Lizzo and Cardi as a pair of “better than thou” goddesses to be worshipped, and on etched pots no less.
Where Lindsay’s rumors propagate in nightclub settings (in contrast to Lizzo’s propagating on the internet), she accordingly puts her best foot forward in a halter top that was the style of the day, along with the “tiny” camera she brings into the club before camera phones were “sophisticated” enough to take worthwhile photos. Of course, this is the same camera she ends up launching out of her helicopter at the end of the video, the one that picks her up from the roof after a quintessential 00s dance breakdown that actually looks a lot like the one Normani does on the rooftop in “Wild Side.” Elsewhere, Lohan uses a gilded cage metaphor by, naturally, dancing inside of a cage, as well as swinging on a swing in it (something Taylor Swift would also opt for in “Look What You Made Me Do“). All while defiantly singing the chorus, “I’m tired of rumors starting/I’m sick of being followed/I’m tired of people lyin’, sayin’ what they want about me/Why can’t they back up off me?/Why can’t they let me live?/I’m gonna do it my way, take this for just what it is.” This, too, is what Lizzo and Cardi try to say with far less eloquence and bop-serving catchiness.
In this “Rumors” video, Lizzo wears a flowing gold gown—her take on the toga—amid giant pots and is occasionally flanked by a chorus of doting women. She hobbles through lyrics like, “Bitch, I don’t give two shits/All the rumors are true, yeah/I’ve been into bamboo, yeah/Focused on this music/My ex nigga, he blew it/Last year, I thought I would lose it/Rеadin’ shit on the internet/My smoothiе cleanse and my diet/No, I ain’t fuck Drake yet.” It’s painstaking. And Cardi’s appearance (complete with pregnant belly) does nothing to improve the project, least of all when she essentially boasts that she can’t speak any foreign languages and uses the Trumpian term “fake news.”
In between, Lizzo accuses her “haters,” “Spendin’ all your time tryna break a woman down/Realer shit is goin’ on, baby, take a look around” (in Lohan’s song, this translates to: “I don’t understand why/Would you wanna bring me down when I’m only havin’ fun?”—in Britney’s/Bobby’s “My Prerogative,” it’s: “Why can’t I live my life without all of the things that people say?”). It feels like a convenient deflection tactic for any celebrity to use when they don’t want their work critiqued by people (vaguely) paid to do so for various media outlets. But, of course, that’s what we’ll be doing (compensated or not) until all the fiber optic cables are destroyed by some environmental havoc. It’s just a hazard of the fame trade. And a relatively small price to pay for being allowed the luxury of building a climate bunker in New Zealand. Presumably with Lorde running the show.
Inevitably, before the song ends, Lizzo gives in to borrowing the classic line from Bonnie Raitt, “Give ’em somethin’ to talk about,” adding, “Sick of rumors/But haters do what they do.” Including, it would appear, hate on this song. Because, well, it’s not very good. And again, listening to Lohan’s single and/or watching Hercules would achieve a similar but better effect.
