Madonna is one of those people who undeniably prides herself on being good at everything. And, for the most part, she is. But, on the heels of a rash of tour cancellations due to injuries, perhaps M’s confidence has been shaken enough based on a recent piece of real estate advice, albeit slightly tongue-in-cheek (though few people will understand that because her humor has often gone over the regular public’s head like a lead weight). Thanks to her present residency for the Madame X Tour at the London Palladium, maybe Madonna was forced to finally capitulate to the ever-swirling headlines about ex-Prince Harry and Meghan Markle–after all, the British tabloids are undeniably relentless about beating a dead horse of a story (plus, Harry and Meghan are a distraction to divert from the major fuck-up that is carrying out Brexit).
That said, Madonna seemed to offer apropos of nothing other than being in London, “Do Megan and Prince Harry want to sublet my apartment on Central Park West?? ………………🗽❌” (yes, she misspelled Meghan). This was, of course, the Instagram caption that accompanied a more detailed video whilst M was getting her hair and makeup done before the show. Again rekindling her old adversarial relationship with Canada (who could forget her famously calling it “the fascist state of Toronto” during the Blond Ambition Tour when police threatened her arrest if she carried out her masturbation-inspired performance of “Like A Virgin”?), Madonna advised, “Don’t run off to Canada, it’s so boring there.”
For starters, “boredom” is all that Harry and Meghan are seeking at the moment after an entire marriage placed under the microscopic lens of the world’s media outlets. Secondly, Canada is actually bangin’, whether you’re into city life or you prefer a more sequestered, nature-oriented existence. Madonna’s comment sounds, quite simply, rather uninformed. And once again, the source of that bravado comes from a common affliction of most people who have lived too many years in New York: they think New York is the only place someone could possibly be interested in living in. Apart from the fact that it’s a complete turd of an existence for normal people, it’s also not ideal for limelight-ridden famous people of Harry and Meghan’s present stature.
Let us not forget that even Lana Del Rey, before her fame peaked even higher post-2012, decided to flee New York in favor of the celebrity-friendly gated community called Los Angeles. With its spread-out infrastructure and, therefore, effortlessness in concealing oneself behind the tinted windows of a luxury vehicle, it is a haven and sanctuary for those who are adamant about maintaining privacy. That, or, well, Canada. So for Madonna to assert her preferences over a couple so clearly not interested in the claustrophobia of New York (something they got in spades on the island of Britain) is, at best, an attempt at pretending to actually give a shit and, at worst, just another indication that New York’s most devoted clientele are either obscenely rich, deluded or both.
This, surely, can be the only explanation for why Madonna would jestingly say, “I’ll let them sublet my apartment in Central Park West. It’s a two-bedroom, it’s got the best view of Manhattan. Incredible balcony. I think that’s gonna be a winner, that’s gonna be a dealbreaker. No, Buckingham Palace has got nothing on CPW.” A lackey behind her chimes in, “The view is better, that’s for sure.” First of all, just two bedrooms? That ain’t gonna cut the fuckin’ Grey Poupon for former royals with a silver spooned baby and a Queen likely to roll up for a spot check at any moment. Secondly, when it comes to easy access to a vast park, “CPW” actually doesn’t have that much on Buckingham Palace Garden, smaller, yes, but with a manageability that allows one to truly take in the picturesqueness via Constitution Hill, as opposed to being swallowed whole by the mammoth proportions of a park that serves as an extension of New York itself, designed to make you feel like less than nothing, utterly insignificant amid a sea of other assholes swearing up and down like Madonna, “This is the greatest city in the world! Everywhere else is boring!”
Yet even Madonna copped out for a richie’s (not Guy Ritchie) neighborhood instead of one of NYC’s more “dynamic” areas (though there is essentially nothing left to subdue with gentrification), like the ones she used to inhabit in her pre-fame days, the Lower East Side and the East Village. Or shit, even Corona, Queens. But no, money changes everything, and with it, Madonna’s ability to see that she’s been enshrouded in the protective wealth bubble that still makes one believe New York is worth a damn. And honestly, it’s not as though it’s been very genteel toward her in the twenty-first century, between, most recently, fans who went to her Brooklyn show suing her for lateness and a shade-tastic New York Magazine article in 2008 with a close-up image on her face and the title “The New New Face” featuring a diagram of all of her facial nips and tucks. It’s almost as though M has a masochistic devotion to the place. Just like everyone else there. So yeah, sign dainty royals Harry and Meghan right on up for it.
