Being that Megan Thee Stallion churns out singles like cream (from a man’s dick), she tends to have an extensive wish list of people to collaborate with. On that list was once Dua Lipa, who can now be checked off thanks to their new single, “Sweetest Pie.” In case you were worried the song would be literal, the title is as suggestive as it sounds, with Megan constantly needing to refer to her “WAP” in some way after the song of the same name established her as something of a pussy queen (along with Cardi, who has been less inclined to release many singles since that momentous one).
And because everything with regard to vag must be referred to as some kind of dessert or pastry in the climate of “being youthful” but not “cheugy,” Megan opts to revive “pie” as a nickname for snatch—with “cake” being perhaps too played at this juncture. Granted, Thee Stallion still finds time to refer to it that way as well when she declares, “I got cake and I know he want a slice.” Sure, he does. Especially if he bears the cannibalistic proclivities of Patrick Bateman, who might take this song way too literally if he heard it. Perhaps even kill to it (by way of biting a woman’s vag to death, as he does in one of many illustrious scenes from American Psycho).
Dua Lipa isn’t much help for the cause of keeping her body protected from a Bateman type as she urges, “Hold on ’cause, baby, I might/I might just give you a bite of the sweetest pie.” Yes, Patrick would definitely take her up on that offer regardless of the “might” caveat. Especially since Megan presents such a dismembered female body tableau to begin with in the world of “Sweetest Pie,” presented by director Dave Meyers (move over, Colin Tilley). A world that rather resembles the Candyland meets Alice in Wonderland one Megan showed us in the “Don’t Stop” video featuring Young Thug. Opening on a waterfall (again, always with the innuendo when it’s Megan), the camera then pans right to show us a forest filled with trees unmistakably shaped like the kind of “stacked” figures Megan prefers for her own Nicki Minaj-approved physique.
Subsequently, some “lost boys” (because all men remain fundamentally boys) wander through the strange, sexual milieu as the Circe-like intonation of Dua Lipa asks, “You’ve never been to heaven, have you?” Well, if heaven looks like this “witch from Hansel and Gretel-esque” (who do get name-checked in the song) structure, many men might want to do their best to go to hell (which shouldn’t be too much of a challenge). Behind the “door,” comprised of detached women’s legs doing a bit of a can-can as the “egress” parts, we see Megan and Dua, looking like they took major style inspiration from Madeline (Meryl Streep) and Helen (Goldie Hawn) in Death Becomes Her (a title Bateman agrees with). The men, although rightfully hesitant to enter—especially after a spider is shown crawling underneath Lipa’s cheek—end up “magically” inside the lair after Megan gratuitously licks her lips during a close-up shot.
All at once, they’re inside her “confectioner’s crib,” complete with women as coffee tables whose heads are covered by a colorful, translucent candy wrapper. And then there’s a chandelier that also looks like an ideal Bateman décor piece in that it’s composed of seemingly dead women. Megan then emerges in pearl-embellished lingerie, with Lipa also appearing in her own sad attempt at wearing “underthings” that will never make her look as voluptuous as Megan (begging the question of thin girls: how does it feel to have the wrong body type in the present environment?).
Unfortunately for these men who do seem to be quite enjoying their “just desserts,” the scene shifts once again to them in a giant boiling cauldron while Megan now appears in little more than a jeweled number that barely covers anything, this time in the “booty portion” of the forest. As in: there’s a slew of giant asses mounted to the rock formation. And they even jiggle arbitrarily, to boot. Dua randomly rolls up to the Booty Cave, too. In a spider-inspired number (perhaps foreshadowed by the one in her cheek). A barrage of “salacious” images then ensues, with a flower opening on a vag right when Lipa says, “Sweetest pie,” followed by a hand digging into a cherry pie and then said hand turning an “off” switch “on” inside a man’s pants.
The pair of men suddenly start to realize how fucked up this all is as they make a break for it back into the forest filled with body-shaped trees. Dua and Megan don’t seem worried about it as they calmly approach the area and the trees are shaken down to reveal plenty of other similarly dressed men (in the spirit of “The Real Slim Shady”) they were perhaps “putting on ice.” In effect, they’re sort of like Patrick Batemans themselves, minus the part where Bateman would ever be burned at the stake for being an “evil temptress”—which is precisely what happens to Megan and Dua in the final moments of the video.
Mounted to a phallic pyre, Megan and Dua persist in taunting about how sweet their pie is. And anyway, the flames engulfing them are no match for their witchly powers as they proceed to channel the fire right back into the hordes of men, scorching the entire “town” as Megan’s forked snake tongue emerges from her mouth in the wake of the destruction. Dua’s there, too, looking ornamental.
Loosely quoting Jay-Z when Thee Stallion says, “Want that nasty, that freaky stuff,” Bateman would surely get on board with the sentiment via his own murderous, cannibalistic tendencies. Particularly when Megan notes, “That body lookin’ nice (lookin’ nice)/I got cake and I know he want a slice/I wish a nigga would try to put me on ice.” In this case, Megan ought to be careful because: ask and one shall receive.
When Megan suggests, “Live under my bed and keep me up (hey)/That Hansel and Gretel, let him eat me up (ah),” there’s little doubt Bateman would have any trouble obliging that request either. Where their “freaky deaky” tendencies differ, however, is in that Megan seems to get her lifeblood from dick (as evidenced by the last scene where she’s levitating in front of a giant snake) and Bateman is more interested in trying to “feel something, anything” with his kills, which also happen to include detaching vaginas from women. Making such a variety of pie slightly less, er, sweet… to non-necrophiliacs.
