In a series called Mondo Ironico, let us discuss how fucking antithetical something in pop culture is.
On the one hand, it might seem perfectly fitting for Jennifer Lopez to finally have an “at the ready” song called “Marry Me,” considering how much of a proponent she is of the institution. Like so many who end their relationship in divorce, this hasn’t caused Lopez’s faith in marriage to waver. If anything, she appears to “believe” more than ever, not only based on her current movie title and the songs on the soundtrack that accompany it, but also the rekindling of her romance with Ben Affleck. For yes, once upon a time, in a magical period called 2002-2003, they weren’t just together, they were engaged.
Alas, it was at a time when intense media scrutiny and paparazzi harassment couldn’t be offset by the control of the narrative that came with having one’s own social media account to immediately set the record straight. Thus, Lopez veered toward marrying Marc Anthony (for a grand total of three marriages) just months after her engagement to Affleck was broken off in January of ’04. Affleck, in turn, veered toward another Jennifer (Garner), commencing a relationship with her in mid-2004, but at least waiting until 2005 to tie the knot—unlike that serial monogamist, Lopez, who had already been married to two nobodies, Ojani Noa and Chris Judd, before upping her game with more high-profile romances, including one with the man then called Puff Daddy.
But Anthony likely knew he was just as Lopez described him, “a Band-Aid on the cut.” That cut being her “first real heartbreak” in the form of the Bennifer dismantling. Maybe that’s why he was the one to officially file for the divorce in 2012, after the two separated in ’11. That Lopez was able to hold out seven years (before the proverbial seven-year itch) was likely why she wasted no time yet again in choosing to dive into another relationship with her original fetish: a nobody. This time, he was yet another backup dancer (in the spirit of Chris Judd), Casper Smart. Yet she showed more “maturity” with this rebound by choosing stay with him for five years up until 2016.
Nonetheless, no amount of “maturity” could keep Lopez from jumping into her next relationship “gig” with less than months between the latest one and the last one. Thus, by February 2017, J. Lo was an item with Alex Rodriguez (in another indication of her kind of frequently copping Madonna’s style). As the two followed Lopez’s tried-and-true pattern of rushing as quickly as possible into things—even despite the complications of a “blended family”—it didn’t take long for another engagement to ensue, with the two announcing their intended nuptials in March of 2019. Fortunately, for the purposes of celebrity journalism and cries of “destiny,” A-Rod was accused of philandering just before Lopez decided to end it in April of 2021 despite claims of “working through some things” with Rodriguez. Those “things” likely being who she could pivot to next. And why not her long lost love, Ben? As usual, she was quick to make her leap to the next…monkey bar. For it was the very same month that the rumors of Bennifer 2.0 began, with Lopez confirming it in an “official” Instagram capacity via birthday photos from her yacht in July.
So while Lopez can recite, “Marry me/Marry me/Say yes” for “eternity,” the truth is, she’s said it to a lot of men. And she doesn’t necessarily mean “forever” with any of them. Not even precious Ben, among the first of Lopez’s high-profile beaux to prove engagements were meant to be broken. After all, one’s “intentions” change from day to day. And so, the more appropriate song title—not just for Lopez, but everyone listening to it—would really be “Divorce Me”—conveniently featuring the same amount of syllables as “marry” and allowing J. Lo to still recite, “Divorce me/Divorce me/Say yes/For the rest, the rest of your life.” Maluma’s own little verse seems to heighten the effect of acknowledging Lopez’s storied history of both marriage and being something of a runaway bride as he sings, “I’ma fly out to Vegas/We can tie it up tonight, no patience/Take my last name, put it where your name is/Have they ever seen a love this famous?” That depends on which fandom one asks.
While some would still maintain it’s appropriate for her to have such a single title, it’s rather ironic in the face of what marriage is supposed to mean from the overly maudlin and romantic perspectives that Lopez’s films and songs tout, including lyrics like, “This queen need a king, king, king/For life, for life, for life.” Or, more specifically, for the duration until the next “new man” comes along in the face of a roadblock with the old. For not even the greatest romantic in the present-day really believes in “working through some things” when other potential genitals loom around the corner. Especially when you’re J. Lo and visible signs of age don’t seem to affect you. Affleck, not so much… but luckily, older men of means have never had an issue securing younger women.
