Blind Date is one of many 80s movies that serves as more of a footnote in pop culture than a “main event” (à la E.T. or Back to the Future). Just as 1986’s Shanghai Surprise starring Sean Penn and Madonna would turn out to be. And yet, instead of agreeing to perform in that ill-fated movie, the then-recently-married couple could have had a chance to play the main roles in 1987’s Blind Date. For, before it ended up in Blake Edwards’ care, the script was one of the vehicle options the Poison Penns might have chosen from in the Handmade Films arsenal (they opted to pass on it when the screenplay failed to attract a director—big mistake, huge). As a production company formed by ex-Beatle George Harrison, the proprietor was open to musicians being actors in a way that had taken off after Prince starred in 1984’s Purple Rain. But obviously, the caveat seemed to be that a musician needed to play a version of themselves in order for the formula to work.
That’s what Madonna would end up doing for the part of Susan in 1985’s Desperately Seeking Susan. And it was likely said film that secured a vote of confidence from Harrison in choosing to back a project like Shanghai Surprise, even though the premise of Blind Date was far more suitable to the dynamic and personae of Sean and Madonna. In fact, it had the same screwball comedy formula that Madonna would attempt to take on sans Sean in another ’87 movie: Who’s That Girl. And, while utterly camp and charming to the “understanding” audience, it didn’t carry off what Blind Date would have been able to for the pop star, especially with Penn at Madonna’s side to perform the role of the frazzled and somewhat bumbling Walter Davis (Bruce Willis).
And although Nadia Gates (Kim Basinger) is the antithesis of M’s personality—meek and mild-mannered (with the stereotypical nondescript brown hair to match)—she’s certainly more relatable to Madonna than a missionary like Gloria Tatlock in Shanghai Surprise. Granted, Madonna did ardently used to claim she wanted to be a nun. Nadia becomes even more “relatable” to just about any woman when she gets a few ounces of liquor into her system and starts to become “wild”—code for: sexual. Which, in the 80s and beyond, has been Madonna’s natural state of being. But beyond just a “sexual openness,” alcohol serves as a truth serum for Nadia (in vino veritas, and all that). Yet another inherent quality of Madonna’s sober state.
Who knows why Madonna and Sean didn’t feel like the project was right for them? It’s not as though the two should have been averse to filming in L.A. at that time, for they were all about the “industry hobnobbing” scene in those days (well, maybe not Sean). Maybe Madonna was still overly loyal to New York (or she wasn’t yet comfortable with the type of blatant soda product placement in the final scene of the movie). Or maybe she wanted to take a sort of “honeymoon” right after their marriage to the exotic location of Shanghai to kill two birds with one stone. Whatever the case, the “Asian parallel” ends up in Blind Date as well. Based on a book called Faraday’s Flowers, Shanghai Surprise commences in 1937 during the Japanese occupation and flashes to a year later, which is why one could “understand” the concubine thing still being “chic,” but in Blind Date, it’s even more abhorrent as the client Walter’s firm is trying to land is billed as “Old World traditional” for having a geisha-like wife who is well-aware of the many concubines he “possesses” in addition to her as his “main.”
Shanghai Surprise is, to boot, filled with its own fair share of anti-alcohol sentiments, especially when Glendon (Penn) asks if Gloria can give him ten cents from her proverbial coffer so he can buy a drink. She denies the plea with, “Absolutely not. I do not approve of drinking.” Incidentally, Madonna, particularly in those days, was staunchly anti-drug due to her own need to be in control. Gloria later throws shade at Glendon’s account of events with the line, “Alcoholics always tend to overdramatize.”
But one thing Nadia isn’t overdramatizing as she gets too plastered to bite her tongue at the very work dinner she was invited out to in the first place by Walter for this blind date is that the man they’re trying to do business with is grotesquely sexist. In the chaos of Nadia spraying a champagne bottle at Walter’s boss and then daring to “talk back” to Mr. Yakamoto (Sab Shimono), his wife’s wig is knocked off her head, sending her to the bathroom in a wave of embarrassment. Nadia follows her in to announce, “This concubine stuff just has to go.” It’s something easily imagined coming from the mouth of Madonna in her bid to get all women to “not go for second-best” and “express themselves” (though that iconic number wouldn’t come out until two years later).
Mrs. Yakamoto (Momo Yashima) continues to insist, “I speak-o no English.” Here it bears noting that the 80s were no-holds-barred in “poking fun” at Asian accents (as Sixteen Candles makes clear), which also occurs in Shanghai Surprise when a gangster named Joe Go’s (Clyde Kusatsu) bodyguard tells Glendon, “Joe Go away you now.” Glendon brushes him off with, “Joe Go can ‘away’ a little longer.” It’s something straight out of the I Love Lucy playbook of accent mockery, but at least Desi Arnaz was in on the joke (somewhat).
In any case, Mrs. Yakamoto suddenly understands English quite well when she hears Nadia explain, “According to California law, you’re entitled to fifty percent of your husband’s assets.” All at once, Nadia is back out in the main dining room asking if there’s a divorce lawyer who might help represent Mrs. Yakamoto, whose husband is worth millions. Everyone is feeling quite “feministic” in that moment as they jump up to offer their services. Walter, needless to say, is fired by his boss, who informs him that he only wishes they were in the army so that he could have him shot—twice. Just another thing to file under: shit you could never say in the twenty-first century. After losing his job, the hijinks really start to ramp up in a manner reminiscent of Who’s That Girl, and how Nikki Finn (Madonna) kept doing everything to destroy Louden Trott’s (Griffin Dunne) life… without even trying, of course. And she wasn’t even drunk, either.
One of the many instances of Nadia taking Walter for a “wild ride” also occurs during the scene in Freda and Freddie’s Discotheque. For it provides peak 80s-era zaniness (along with the moment when the butler in the movie pulls his pants down to tantalize Rambo the guard dog and lure him back into his cage), escalating with the violence spurred by Nadia’s ex-boyfriend and stalker, David Bedford (John Larroquette), who has been following them the entire night. The result is everyone punching each other out on the dance floor, in an antithetical form of choreomania.
This won’t be the last time that Walter metaphorically tangoes with David, for in the former’s bid to pay Nadia back for all she did once she sobers up, he gets just as drunk and drags them to the party she originally wanted to go to. As it turns out, it’s filled with nothing but stuffy friends and acquaintances of hers, and it’s probably better that Walter showed up as the drunk one rather than her. Unfortunately, David manages to follow them to this location as well, but Walter regains the upper hand by grabbing the gun out of his car that one of their would-be muggers (again, it’s been a crazy night) previously threw in without him knowing. Aiming the gun at David, he tells him to dance, then demands, “Moonwalk!” Seeing him actually do it, Walter cries out, “I hate that shit!” Not the only dig directed at Madonna’s then-competition of the day. There’s also a line where David’s butler warns Rambo, “You keep quiet or I’ll call the vet and he’ll cut ‘em off and you’ll end up barking like Cyndi bleedin’ Lauper!”
As is the case at the end of Shanghai Surprise, there’s also a big, romantic “reunion” scene between Walter and Nadia at the conclusion. One that would have been far more suited to the onscreen chemistry between Madonna and Penn at that time. For, say what you will about the “horrendeousness” of Shanghai Surprise, there’s no ignoring the way M and Sean sizzle when it comes to displaying sexual affection. Although it was bold—noble, even—for the duo to attempt to challenge themselves with a genre as complicated as the adventure-rom-com (which only The Lost City has truly carried out with effective brilliance), they should have stuck to something more straightforward for their first outing together. And maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t have been their last if the film in question hadn’t been such a flop.
What’s more, while everyone is quick to write Madonna off as an inherently “bad” actress (but then how does Lady Gaga get a pass in House of Gucci?), there’s no denying that part of the problem has been the projects she’s ended up in. Most of which have contributed to an ever-larger “Scarlet A” (or F for failure) on her chest when it comes to being taken seriously in film. And that trajectory definitely began with Shanghai Surprise. Who knows, maybe starring in Blind Date with Sean Penn instead might have spared her the all-out panning that the former received, and led her on entirely different path in the movie industry. At the bare minimum, Blind Date made it to number one at the box office, and wouldn’t have been even half as much of a black mark on both Penns’ records as Shanghai Surprise.
