When a business proposal is at the center of the “romantic” cachet in a movie, it’s a sure sign that the plot has been lost completely when it comes to delivering a real rom-com. Either that, or the genre has sunken so low since the days of classics like His Girl Friday, How to Marry a Millionaire, Pretty Woman, Clueless, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Notting Hill and Runaway Bride (yes, Julia Roberts sort of has the monopoly on the gold standard of rom-coms) that this is all one can expect now. At least out of a Netflix movie starring Lindsay Lohan (yes, another one, following the atrocities known as Falling for Christmas and Irish Wish). One that she clearly felt more strongly about than the other schlocky scripts she agreed to be a part of since she lobbied to have a more active (read: clout-filled) producing credit than before.
And sure, Kristin Chenoweth co-starring as Erica Morgan, the high-strung, impossible-to-please mother of Avery Becker’s (Lohan) boyfriend, Cameron “Cam” Morgan (Jon Rudnitsky), is helpful to the film’s “cause.” Which is, ultimately (and as usual), trying to make Lohan come across as though she’s a “legitimate” actress not continuing to coast on the ever-fading laurels of her 1998-2004 filmography. To further assist this cause, it’s apparent that there’s a blatantly higher budget this time around (including more locations and sets, as well as more recognizable actors apart from Lohan), extending to a director with a fair amount of notable movies under his belt. That’s right, Stephen Herek has directed plenty of worthwhile films that are far more enjoyable and indicative of artistic merit than Our Little Secret. Case(s) in point, he directed Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (yes, it’s got artistic value), Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, The Three Musketeers, Mr. Holland’s Opus, Rock Star and The Great Gilly Hopkins. Later, when he began his “Netflix era,” even those movies were more, let’s say, “high gloss” than Our Little Secret. This refers to Afterlife of the Party and Dog Gone, both of which have more “critical clout” than Our Little Secret. But that’s less Herek’s fault than it is first-time screenwriter Hailey DeDominicis’, described as a “creative marketing director turned rom-com writer.” But maybe it was all those years spent in the nine to five realm that turned DeDominicis into someone who couldn’t create a romance without the mention of “business”—that always vague, catch-all term people use for being very important and making a lot of money.
Because, yes, it seems that Avery is always on the phone spouting extremely general “business speak” (e.g., “No, the business has to be registered today”). It appears this “head for business” is what bonds her to Cam, who utters similar generic nothings as the two drive to his family’s house, telling someone on the other line while wearing ear buds, “No, no, no, an indemnity is standard, they don’t add it, we don’t sign.” The two might as well not even be in the same car as Avery continues, “I don’t care if he has to go in person, that’s why they hired us… I’d remind them that every day they don’t pay is another day they have to pay me.” She’s in business, okay? Did you get that message? Very busy, very in demand.
And so is the erstwhile love of her life, Logan Harding (Ian Harding—needless to say, having the same last name as his “character” speaks to another layer of unoriginality). For the viewer is also given a snapshot of his own present-day existence as a developer—a man “in construction.” This being ten years after he was rejected by Avery at her going away party. Though she probably wouldn’t have rejected him if he didn’t blunderingly try to propose to her out of nowhere in a pathetic bid to prevent her from taking a job offer in London (which one supposes is more believable than it would be in the present, since 2014 was pre-Brexit). To make matters worse for himself, when Logan is rejected, he becomes all toxic male, accusing Avery, “You’re running away from your home that I know you love. You’re running away from me. It’s like you’ve forgotten about me completely.” He then hits her with the ultimate low blow by trotting out Avery’s freshly deceased mother, telling her of this London decision, “You know, if your mom were here, I think she’d be really disappointed in you… But then again, if she were here, I don’t even think we’d be in this situation.” It’s with this final act of overly possessive douchebaggery that Avery declares, in front of all her party guests, “We’re done… I never want to see you again.” Even though that’s a bit extreme and dramatic for two people who had been inseparable since childhood…
Any who, with that, the audience is given an elaborate flash-forward gimmick as the opening credits roll to the images and soundbites of news headlines that marked certain years, like 2016. Wherein the debut of Stranger Things (because Netflix of course wants to reference itself in a Netflix project), Moonlight’s Oscar win for Best Picture and the Royal Wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are mentioned, but nothing about the incredibly upsetting election results that year—perhaps because Lohan herself has expressed support for Trump in the past, defending him vehemently in a 2017 tweet that went: “For all you cry babies at CNN whining about Trump beating up your logo take a look at what a real Potus and man does. THIS is our president. Stop bullying him and start trusting him.” And, considering Lohan was sure to brag to Flaunt magazine, “With Our Little Secret, I got to really be a full-on producer, not just an executive. They trusted me with holding the reins and took my ideas and thoughts on board whether it came down to casting or costuming, and even some of the edits in the film,” she very well could have been the one to advise against alluding to Trump’s election in 2016.
Apparently, though, she couldn’t be trusted enough to catch that the fire at Notre-Dame is mistakenly put in the 2018 section, even though anyone with a decent memory could tell you the fire happened in 2019. As for the 2019 section, current political hot potato Elon Musk and the announcement of his Cybertruck are mentioned, followed by the antithetical mention of Greta Thunberg being Time magazine’s Person of the Year. For 2020, the only reference to the pandemic, shockingly, was the viral moment of Bernie Sanders sitting on a chair wearing his standout surgical mask and mittens. Because, again, Our Little Secret seems to be establishing that it’s not that serious. “Fun” “headlines” only—like Perseverance landing on Mars, the Ever Given container ship being stuck in the Suez Canal and Squid Game and Bridgerton being top shows (again, Netflix calling out itself). And, for whatever reason, the headlines conclude with Taylor Swift being in her “history-making era.” All catching viewers up to the fact that it’s the “present” and Avery is now an ultra-successful “businesswoman” a.k.a. marketing executive in a serious relationship with someone new.
Maybe marrying an international financier (Bader Shammas) is what has made Lohan so much more attuned to the idea of “business” (rather than booze, as it has been in the past) as a core part of a script. Whatever the case, the allusions to business are often and indefatigable, with Avery and Logan, upon finding themselves dating siblings from the same family, therefore being stuck together on Christmas, striking a deal. In exchange for Logan helping Avery to “gain favor” with Cam’s mom, who clearly dislikes her, Avery will help Logan draft a business proposal for Stan (Tim Meadows), a such-and-such with money to spend on a “lifestyle complex” aimed at a demographic that’s “too old to be going to the clubs and too young to be playing tranquilized chess.” Logan, seizing on the opportunity to bring in some business of his own to the construction company he works for so that he can reap more financial rewards than he’s been getting, assures Stan that he can deliver him a business proposal by Christmas Eve, the deadline set to get the bids in for the, what’s that word, business. So much fucking business for a rom-com, taking all the romance and comedy out of it.
Unless, of course, that’s the true intention of a rom-com now. To remind those still willing to monogamously “couple” that such a relationship is a business transaction. And there’s even a business “pet name” Logan dubs Avery with, calling her “Miss Business Consultant, MBA.” The exchange between them at this moment occurs at the Christmas tree lot where, naturally, the two have been sent on their own by the Morgan family since everyone else conveniently has an obligation that would keep them from going. Never mind that it’s a bit odd to saddle guests with a task like this—the point is that it gives Avery and Logan their alone time to strike one of stupidest deals in rom-com history (let’s just say this isn’t anywhere on the same level as Hallie and Annie switching places so they can each get to know the parent they’ve never met). One characterized by Logan urging, “Help me do this proposal and I will help you become Morgan family material or whatever.” Avery replies, “Who says we’re even that serious?” Logan then disgustingly retorts, “Come on, you’re in your thirties, so you’re not just casually dating anymore.” Traditional and misogynistic much? Because he, too, is in his thirties yet tells Avery he’s nowhere near marriage with Cam’s sister, Cassie (Katie Baker, who looks very similar to Billie Lourd).
Once their “accord” is struck, DeDominicis’ script attempts to heighten the comedy in some very retro ways, including drugs as mild as weed gummies being painted as “scandalous,” particularly as Avery accidentally consumes a bunch just before going to a church service where Logan has volunteered her to give a speech. It’s then that the audience is given one of the cringiest moments of all: a singalong to Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration.” The other storyline designed to get “big laughs” involves Avery eating too many of Erica’s homemade chocolate cookies (that we’re warned from the beginning she’s very “resource guarding” about) as a result of her THC levels (again, a big cliché). Realizing she’s eaten twelve of the cookies when she wakes up the next morning, she frames the dog, Veronica, for their disappearance, not counting on the obvious fact that Erica would then rush to the vet to make sure Veronica is okay. This results in yet another “deception accord” with the veterinarian, played by another SNL alum, Chris Parnell. But while Our Little Secret might think itself on par with Shakespearean comedy, it remains another affront to the rom-com genre, especially with its total disregard for any sense of realism (e.g., Avery going to bed with a full face of makeup on).
But at least Lohan gets to deliver practically the same line Regina asked of Cady in Mean Girls: “So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?” Her version being: “Oh, so you think she’s pretty?” This demanded of Cam regarding his ex, Sophie (Ash Santos). Because, apparently, he, too, has his own version of a Logan—someone he’s known since childhood and ended up becoming romantic with (definitely a ripoff from Dawson’s Creek, which long ago perfected that trope). And being that every rom-com needs a villain (even if one as lame as this), Cam has to end up cheating on Avery with her, discovered coming home at five a.m. by, who else, Logan. And while some might automatically bill Erica as the antagonist of the movie, the truth is, she’s a cakewalk compared to the type of mother-in-law figure that Ariana Grande played on Saturday Night Live. Besides, in the end, she’s just a “sweetheart” who only needed the right person to…unlock that part of herself.
Lohan, on the other hand, has yet to unlock the part of herself that would have dared to play a character in something bolder (like that time she almost secured the part of Linda Lovelace). To that end, on the poster for the movie, the image of Lohan making the shhh sign to her lips is not only reminiscent of that time she got a matching shhh tattoo on her finger with Lily Allen and then got shamed for copying what Rihanna already did, but rather, the idea that she’s informing us, “Shhh, don’t tell anyone this is another ‘meh’ movie simply promoting the status quo.”
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