With Meghan Markle’s complete metamorphosis into Meghan, Duchess of Sussex and the official photos of the wedding released to added meme-able fanfare, it gives one (a.k.a. a woman still believing that things ought to follow the three act structure of a rom-com, including the part where the ending in which she ends up with the winsome man probably results in death because that’s what’s necessary for monogamy with romance to endure) pause to ruminate. On the qualifications a woman must have to get her fairy tale ending.
Markle follows a somewhat traditional pattern in this regard, being just “out of place” enough to make things interesting for the narrative. And while, of course, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles are slightly too senile at this juncture to exercise their congenital Anglican prejudices, Markle is at least half-white to compensate for being “too much change” at once for the royal brethren. Her background as a woman born to a mother that knew the value of hard work (Doria Ragland began as a makeup artist on General Hospital—where Markle landed her first role–before eventually becoming a social worker in 2015) also lends all that splooge factor to a prince unwittingly seeking someone to “rescue.” Of course, Markle has been rescuing herself since at least age eleven, when she wrote a letter to Procter & Gamble about a dishwashing soap commercial for Ivory that called out the company’s use of the phrase “women all over the world” in relation to perpetuating the stereotype that “female” is the gender that should be washing dishes. As Markle explained to the go-to news source of the time, Nick News, “In the commercial, they say women are battling grease, meaning only women do dishes. I heard these boys in class say, ‘Yeah, that’s where women belong, in the kitchen.’ It makes me feel like they’re going to grow up thinking girls are less than them.” Harry’s heart be still, she’s the perfect candidate for cultivating the new world order of the monarchy (which itself shouldn’t even exist if England was to truly create a new world order).
But then, isn’t this just the sort of fiery chutzpah Danielle in Ever After had, that impassioned activist bent that aroused the prince as much as her looks? For there’s just something so endearing about a girl who gives a shit, who displays selflessness and the aura of sexiness that apparently comes with wanting to make the world a better place. A princess with purpose, if you will (Diana rings a bell for meeting the prerequisite, too). These are the women with the foremost qualifications for the fairy tale ending. For no bloke of the current epoch wants just another piece of eye candy to latch onto his every word, to worship him so outrightly. No, she has to have a life of her own–dreams, goals, ambitions (not too many, of course, as Beyonce through Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie cautions on “Flawless”). The prince can’t just have some needy, neurotic, emotional wreck hoping he’ll have some sort of life plan for her in the same way the original animated version of Cinderella embodied. She has to, in short, be able to fall effortlessly into her own full of activities existence when the spell of the prince’s romantic predilections wears off (again, this is why the traditional three act structure must always end on the high note of when they finally get together, so as not showcase all of that prosaic “after the happily ever after” business).
Thus, it can be said that all of the qualifications that have generally been indoctrinated in women since the dawn of time until fairly recently are utterly useless to being fairy tale material. For no, turns out, we’re not supposed to wait around hoping that he’ll take notice of us solely for our “pleasant demeanor,” “sweet nature” and “overall hotness.” Now we have to add not thinking the world is bullshit to the list by displaying such a philosophy with the frequent exercise of humanitarian gestures that he will hopefully also notice. But always–the one constant–is that we must not be ugly or old (Markle barely ekes by on the latter category), ever. In a world where everything is constantly changing, at least it’s good to know that some things never will.
