In a series called Mondo Bullshittio, let’s talk about some of the most glaring hypocrisies and faux pas in pop culture…and all that it affects.
The Smurfs aren’t strangers to securing A-list talent when it comes to their various movie renderings (of which, at this point, there have been many). Especially when it comes to the accompanying soundtrack. After all, they managed to snag Britney Spears in 2013 for The Smurfs 2 Soundtrack. The single was called “Ooh La La,” and it was created specifically for the movie. That is, if one can interpret lyrics like, “So baby come with me and be my ooh la la” as “specific” to anything. In fact, being that Spears was still very much in her unfortunate “Dr. Luke era,” a lot of her songs from the 2011-2013 (a.k.a. Femme Fatale and Britney Jean) period sounded pretty generic—with “Ooh La La” being an apex example.
Rihanna, however, doesn’t have the excuse of being under a conservatorship to explain why she might go for a project as generic as Smurfs (the “The” has apparently been dropped to avoid confusion with the duo of The Smurfs movies that came out in 2011 and 2013, respectively). Worse still, that she might opt to debut allegedly “new” music on the soundtrack. Though, so far, all audiences have been given a taste of in the preview is 2007’s “Don’t Stop the Music” and a cover of Belinda Carlisle’s “Heaven Is a Place on Earth.” And if Rihanna is seriously trying to pass the latter off as “new,” well, it doesn’t bode well for what else she might have to offer the soundtrack.
By now, too, it’s become a running joke that Rihanna is never going to release what has long been referred to by her fans as R9 (this obviously being a nod to how it’s her ninth album—or will be if it ever comes out). Further adding to that notion is the fact that it seems she’ll only release new songs via the soundtrack medium (which hardly provides the same satiation as an actual album). As she also did with 2022’s Black Panther: Wakanda Forever Soundtrack, with “Lift Me Up” and “Born Again” joining the likes of Tems, Burna Boy, Future and Fireboy DML as part of the Ludwig Göransson-produced project. But while both “Born Again” and “Lift Me Up” were, at the very least, a return to her iconic ballad style (think: “Stay” and “Love on the Brain”), it would seem that, with Smurfs, Rihanna is less in her “blue era” (as she teased on social media), and more in her total corporate sellout era.
Which is perhaps to be expected. For, like Spears before her, it’s no coincidence that she’s capitulated to a kid-friendly franchise movie after having kids of her own. Indeed, back when Spears was doing interviews (which seems like so long ago now that she’s been in firm recluse mode [while still broadcasting that mode on Instagram]), she told Ryan Seacrest of her decision to make the song, “[My sons are] obsessed with the Smurfs. We’ve seen The Smurfs movie a million trillion times, and they were told they could be in the video and all this cool stuff, so that’s the reason I did it.”
But the real reason, as the world later found out, was that her family was milking her for as much cash as they could get out of her while using the leverage of being able to deny access to her own sons to essentially make her do whatever they wanted. Including participate in gauche fare like The Smurfs 2 Soundtrack. So it is that one must, again, bring up the fact that it seems odd that Rihanna, under no such forced hand, would willingly agree to have her imprint all over this project.
Oh sure, it takes place in Paris (again), which sort of correlates to Rihanna being an LVMH-owned ho, but, apart from that, there’s nothing “sophisticated” or “luxe” about this involvement. Which, again, relates to Rihanna having popped out two kids, Rza and Riot, in rapid succession (also Britney-style). Wanting to start “creating content” that appeals to their demographic instead of those that elevated her to the level of international fame she’s grown accustomed to.
And besides, that very same ilk has kids of their own now, too, and (one supposes) wouldn’t mind sharing Rihanna with the next generation through this particular diluted lens. It’s just a bit hard to stomach for those who knew her from her prime era of being “Bad Gal RiRi”—from the days of Good Girl Gone Bad to Rated R, and then, finally, 2016’s Anti, which still marks one of the zeniths of her “bad girl” “persona” (particularly evident in the video for “Needed Me”—along with “Bitch Better Have My Money,” which, despite being a standalone single, can still be counted as part of the Anti era).
Alas, when one is billionaire with two kids, there are evidently even more bills to pay. And it doesn’t appear as though A$AP Rocky is contributing all that much to the payments.
