While most praised the very straightforward re-creation of four seminal 00s movies for Ariana Grande’s “Thank U, Next” video, it has to be said that the most egregious missed opportunity for innovation of all was keeping things in the cunty spirit of Mean Girls‘ Burn Book.
But no, instead of something as biting as “dyke” or “too gay to function” (hmm, Mean Girls sounds a bit rife with homophobic undertones in retrospect), we are met with the sheer lameness of “adorable” little comments like, “So cute, so sweet (could still get it).” And this about Big Sean, maybe her worst ex of all–you know, being the one to rap objectifyingly about her “billion dollar pussy” on the unfortunately titled “Stay Down” from 2015. This, in fact, being the supposed straw that broke the camel’s back in terms of her deciding to end the relationship.
To continue on her mini homage to a book once synonymous with hate and vitriol, Grande moves on to another apparently beloved ex, Ricky, her former backup dancer (which is every pop star’s rite of passage, you know, to bang the help, as it were). Even more bathetic than the last, the scribbles that would make Regina George feel shame and disdain over their niceness tout, “Great dancer,” “good times man” and “friends forever.” To loosely quote Cher H., “As fucking if.” There is nobody–but nobody–who is grateful for their ex. Unless they’re French. French people love masochistic endeavors that double as the ability to claim superior maturity. But then, apparently so does Grande as she moves on to the last subject of her mini-Mean Girls re-imagining, Pete Davidson. With the caption, “HUUUUUUGE,” Grande not only gives Davidson an easy in back into the dating world (where he’s already been presented with a very custom playlist), but also continues to corroborate the long swirling rumor during her exchange with Jennifer Coolidge at the nail salon during the Legally Blonde portion of the video. Though perhaps, in her own unique way, Grande is giving objectification right back to the male species by reducing Davidson’s entire worth to his dick.
That she has the further “decency” to not mention the very person she wrote a song called “better off” about, Malcolm McCormick a.k.a. Mac Miller, in any negative light (though she was certainly more vocal about her disillusionment with him before he died) at all in the Burn Book adds to the overall sense of tameness of a tome that was once supposed to be the end all, be all source for damnation. So it is that Grande has taken a perfectly good chance to air her true grievances about her exes and all the reasons they drove her away and squandered it for, who knows, the sake of some faux peacenik message about loving and allegedly learning from the mistakes of loving. If nothing else, however, Grande’s grossly sanitized version of the Burn Book can remind us that when it comes for inspiration on how to tarnish an ex, turn to Nora Ephron’s Heartburn book instead.
