Just when you thought there was nothing that might make Falling For Christmas redeemable, along come Katya and Trixie Mattel to weigh in with their “expert” commentary via their show, I Like to Watch. And, most important of all, a frank account of all the ways in which the movie blows through their tongue-in-cheek way of dissecting it. Better still, they tore it apart in spite of Lindsay Lohan herself making a cameo at the beginning with a pre-taped video as she urges them to enjoy her new movie because, “Who doesn’t love a cozy Christmas?” Well, Falling For Christmas doesn’t exactly make one feel “cozy” so much as incredibly uncomfortable, therefore in search of any excuse to get up from the couch and not watch.
After Lohan’s little message, Trixie notes, “It’s gonna make it really hard to make fun of this movie, but not impossible.” Katya confirms, “Oh no, no, no—we’re gonna tear this movie apart.” And all one can say to that is: thank fucking god/fucking finally. Because, for whatever reason, the majority of reviews have heralded it as “charming” and “a true comeback” for Lohan. Who has “come back” so many times at this point, she might want to ask herself if she ever truly left… has, in fact, been here all along and mostly met with a lukewarm reaction post-Mean Girls (a movie Trixie and Katya watched on their show just before this because, well, it will always be Lohan’s apex). In any case, it doesn’t take long for Trixie to stop one of the first few scenes and comment on Sierra Belmont’s (Lohan) boyfriend, Tad Fairchild (George Young), prattling on in what he seems to think is relevant social media lingo. Trixie accordingly lambasts, “This is like a boomer sat down to write, ‘Things I don’t like about the kids and their phones.’”
The queens flash us forward to Jake Russell (Chord Overstreet) walking around the corner and crashing into Sierra at the Belmont Hotel after trying to beg her father, Beauregard (Jack Wagner), for some capital to keep his more “mom and pop” North Star Lodge going. Causing her to spill her drink on her “Valenyagi” (presumably a way important made-up designer), Trixie and Katya burst out laughing at how upset Tad is by the stain, with Katya asking, “Is he a gay f-word?” Trixie replies, “He’s taking loads at The Abbey.” Letting some more of Tad’s dialogue play, Katya adds, “This is giving, like, John Early does Sesame Street on acid so far.” But really, that is still too kind an assessment.
Katya opens the floodgate to show some random scenes (not that all of them aren’t) of particular schmaltz by declaring, “We’re crossing the Tropen Zee Bridge to get into Trope Town to observe a few cliches.” Among them, Sierra having a dead mom, the North Star Lodge being the Little Shop Around the Corner to Belmont’s Fox Books, needing a Christmas miracle and giving sentimental meaning to trite objects like a snow globe or tree topper in the form of a giant angel.
Trixie and Katya then skip to the scene before Sierra is about to fall off the cliff and get her required amnesia for the movie to continue (even though Jake should already recognize her since he literally just saw her in the hotel). All Trixie can really comment on, however, is Lohan’s hot-pink ski suit, describing, “She looks like one of the Housewives… in Salt Lake City.”
More arbitrary cuts ensue, this time to the L.A.-ified Santa (you know, looks like he got plastic surgery and veneers) in the movie who thinks he’s passing as mere “seller” at one of the holiday market stalls. A scene of him making the shushing gesture in what he imagines is a “playful” way prompts Katya to scream, “Oh! That was so scary.” Trixie agrees, “It’s a little creepy.”
Not as creepy, perhaps, as Tad bursting into a stranger’s ice fishing hut and shouting, “Sanctuary.” To which Katya asks, “What is he doing? Gay Frankenstein?” Naturally, this is just the tip…of gay shade directed at Tad, who is clearly the scene stealer for them in Falling For Christmas (further proving that Lindsay has lost her touch, even with the gays).
Trixie observes him talking to Ralph (Sean J. Dillingham)—no longer a stranger—in the ice fishing hut and decides, “He looks like a go-go boy talking to a bartender at The Eagle.” Katya confirms, “This is the gayest man I’ve ever seen in my life… Ralph would dick his little f-word ass down.”
Occasionally getting back to the theoretical star of the movie, we’re shown Sierra screaming at the sight of a raccoon in her window. Trixie remarks, “I will say city people are funny. They think every animal is out to get them.” But it doesn’t take long for the drag duo to get back to the far greater sexual tension between Ralph and Tad, the former of whom winks and assures, “I got big feet” after dragging Tad through the treacherous snow pass. To that, Katya says, “Merry Fist-mas.”
Forcing themselves to look once more at the so-called hetero plotline, they have to make a comment on the angel again (since this movie really beats the viewer over the head with its sentimental importance to Jake). As we see a scene of Jake removing it from the drawer, Trixie offers, “I would love for them to pull out the angel and maybe he did like DMT or something and he pulls out the angel and the angel goes, ‘Hey, who’s the wise guy?’ I would love for that to happen. Like some kind of cartoony voice like that.” To be sure, going in a more balls out camp direction might have been the only thing that could have redeemed Falling For Christmas. But, again, that’s apparently what Trixie and Katya are here to do with their commentary.
Continuing to talk about this goddamned angel, Jake explains to Sierra, “Carla and I bought it together, and the she got sick…” Trixie finishes, “…of me and she moved to Tucson.”
The fixation on the homoerotic sublot of Ralph and Tad persists anew when Trixie and Katya cut to Ralph handing Tad some beans after lighting a fire for them to sit in front of for the night. Of this, Trixie notes, “So I guess we know who’s bottoming tonight.”
Fast forwarding us along (because, truly, not much is missed with all the scenes glossed over), we get to the moment where Beauregard finally realizes his daughter has been missing. Taken to her room to look for some sign of what might have happened, he sees her luggage is still in her closet and informs his employee, “My daughter never goes anywhere without her luggage.” Trixie translates, “Hmm, she left her drag.”
Another scene of Tad prompts Katya to wonder, “Is he gay or annoying?” But no, as far as Trixie and Katya are concerned, the gay connection between Ralph and Tad remains to the end, with Katya announcing, “I hope they have sex. That would be so fierce.”
Edging us ever closer to the merciful conclusion, Trixie and Katya get to the scene of Sierra pulling a Laney Boggs by walking down the stairs in a red dress ostensibly just so she can be ogled by the guy who has been bottling his feelings for her all this time (read: about three days). As Jake’s daughter, Avy (Olivia Perez), oohs and ahhs over it, Trixie says what we’re all thinking by declaring, “It’s a little Plain Jane.” Katya tries to provide a compliment when Sierra dons an accompanying blazer in shimmering silver, insisting, “I love the blazer though. She looks like Dorothy Zbornak.”
Another cut to Tad in his Christmas attire and slicked-back hair prompts Katya to reiterate, “King of the F-words.” Trixie elaborates, “We can’t say it on YouTube. But let’s just say, I fuh-got what his sexuality was.” Katya shrugs, “He’s homo for the holidays that’s for sure.”
Trixie breaks down this same look at the press conference he’s at with Sierra after her memory is “recovered” by stating, “He looks like a toy soldier.” Katya then impersonates Tad saying, “She’s gonna watch me have sex with men.”
But no, ultimately, Sierra won’t stick around for some rich queen. She’s gone “slum mountain man” and she won’t go back. Thus, as Katya tells it, “And finally Tad goes full f-word. He gets his ruby slippers and sashays down that yellow brick road towards the glory hole.”
Of Sierra’s sudden lack of interest in being a rich bitch, Katya shrugs, “I love a four-day complete personality shift.” Even up until the end, however, it’s Tad that neither one can get over, with Katya saying, “The real Christmas miracle is him not knowing that he’s gay” and (after Tad asks one of the hotel staff, Terry [Chase Ramsey], out for New Year’s), “Well I’m gonna say this: it has more queer representation than Bros did.”
So it is that the duo decides to succumb to Falling For Christmas like freezing to death by playing nice and giving it credit for what it does “have.” For Trixie, “It had surprise gay/bisexual innuendos.” For Katya, “Amnesia.” For Trixie (again), “It had snow.” For Katya (again), “Ice fishing.”
There you have it, even Falling For Christmas gets a piece of the Christmas crown, as though Cady Heron herself was doling it out.
