There are very few famous people who truly embody what it means to have an “American spirit.” Basically, there’s Henry Ford, Madonna and the Olsen twins. What is the American spirit, you wonder? It’s the ability to turn ordinary or even shitty things into something extraordinary simply by peddling them with your name attached to it. What follows are the ten most prime examples of mounds of shit that the Olsen twins have turned into solid gold. True story.Full House: Let’s be real, this show is nauseatingly cheesy and largely lasted as long as it did because of Michelle Tanner’s cute factor. Thank god I’m not a man so I can call her cute without coming across as pedophilic. To Grandmother’s House We Go: The first in a long and endless string of movies the sisters would star in together, To Grandmother’s House We Go is essentially what set the tone for the level of maudlinness the Olsen twins would give to us up until their final collaboration, New York Minute. Still from To Grandmother’s House We GoAll My Children: We all know Days of Our Lives is the true crème de la crème of soap operas when you get down to it (we’re talking the heyday of Lisa Rinna), but the Olsen twins instead chose to make a cameo on All My Children in 1998. The schmaltzy intro title to All My ChildrenTwo of a Kind: Nothing is more uncomfortable than watching two girls who have recently gone through puberty still try to act innocent. This show made the attempt to toe the line between revealing a more “grown-up” version of the Olsen twins, while still trying to keep them “family-friendly.” 7th Heaven: Another ill-advised show to make a cameo on, the Olsen twins appeared as sisters (obviously) who played the quote unquote “bad influence” in a 2000 episode. As “bad girl” sisters Carol and Sue Murphy. Because nothing says badass like the names Carol and Sue.
The Mary-Kate and Ashley Mattel “dolls”: These were really just Barbies under the moniker of doll. Though equally as creepy as your standard doll. Please stop looking at us.
Starting their own fashion line/Cultivating the homeless chic look: In 2006, the Olsen twins founded The Row, a “high-end” clothing line. As for the homeless chic look, although this was mainly Mary-Kate’s doing, we can still count Ashley as part of the contribution for jumping on the bandwagon with her chunky scarves. Plus, we all know Mary-Kate’s true motive in frumping it up in baggy clothes was to hide her anorexia. One of the “pieces” from The Row
Olsenboye, their clothing line at JCPenney: Because they realize most of their fan base is probably shopping at JCPenney. Clothes from the Olsenboye line
Mary-Kate and Ashley makeup: Just to cover every possible type of fan on the scale of poverty, the Mary-Kate and Ashley makeup line–branded as “real makeup for real girls”–was sold at Wal-Mart. Not so sure about putting this on one’s face.
Greatest hits albums: The Olsen twins have released numerous albums over the course of their career, and may you never hear a single one of the songs. It’s hard to know what constitutes the Olsen twins’ “greatest hits”
And so the Olsen twins continue to prove that it’s not what you’re selling, but how you sell it. And the best way to start is by being irresistibly attractive.
